Why is the narcissist so controlling? (30 DAYS OF NARCISSISM) – Dr. Ramani Durvasula


1. PRE-ORDER NEW BOOK: “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility


Be sure to include who you would like the letter addressed to and your preferred mailing address.

ORDER: “Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Narcissistic Relationship”


Dr. Ramani’s Podcast:

Dr. Ramani’s Website:

Send your comments, ideas, and/or questions at


Related Posts

Comments (33)

I was at university and if I didn't answer his texts every few minutes, he lost it and wanted to know where I was and what I was doing

That was really good information. I’m not sure if I am married to a true narcissist, but he certainly has eight out of the 10 characteristics! The levels of control that you spoke about in this message all apply to me! It’s scary yet comforting to know that what I think is controlling behavior, truly is. Thank you!

One lesson I learned was to have a secret “f**k off fund” kitty of money in case you need to leave.

Thing is-they cannot answer a kestion without accusing u Being thé police though they give all reasons to doubt them. N no matter how transparent I was thing is-they just don't believe. N yes, in so many cultures its looked at as normal. Entitlement for men controlling women cause deep down they know they ain't needed.so it became culturally legitimated through religion, normatives. Etc.

If she could, my narc wife would control me and our children's words and thoughts.

Ha 11 narcs disliked this video. Sad

Thanks for speaking on women keeping their financial independence. Bc soooo often money is the first way a man abuses in a relationship. If if its just fast food or retail or whatever or part time. Work and store away funds just in case.

I'm seeing my lawyer today she stuffed up bad.. She goes to her exes house with my 2 month old daughter, but love bombing me, what a twit I was so broken.. Omg u I vomited my heart,

But a said we're are u, she said men are hitting me up I'm at Raymonds, I said who is that, an I rang her ex an she was there, an he said don't worry she's geing u up wtf.. Your kidding.. I'm honest an this beast is torturing my life.. Im seeing my lawyer today.. She's a fuckin idiot. I would not go to me ex an drink on helloween, an she lied on the phone. I want her in pain.. For 5 years she's doin the same fuckin shit.. She's a child, an acts like one an she's 39..im going to take that mask off an shuff it up her cake whole.. Conpolsive liar a dirty toad.. No respect!, I'm done I'm moving on.. The bitch can rott in hell

That's my ex husband sociopath singer songwriter! Funny thing is he sings about being free but is a control freak to other's around him! I think he's talking about his own freedom really! Free to take what he wants from you! 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄😳😳😳😳While you have to do what he say's !!🤔🧐😒🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨

Omg I’m the narsistic one not him 😣 I understand now I’m the toxic one wow for all this time I was watching never noticed that it’s definelty an aha moment for me lol 😝 I did get the phone and plan for him not to monitor but I don’t know he does the monitoring so maybe both of us narsisistic like I’m confused lol

My iPhone updated and a glitch turned on my notifications. The first time I got the notification that my phone had a tracking app and that it had been turned on, I was on a walk with my 10 yo little sister. My ex had just left where we were but he was still checking.

Fuarrkkk i’m learning so much from u Doc! Ur awesome man.. it’s so sad that i’m now starting to realise what my ex-to-be lol how he would “diminish” me because of the job i did- even if it was good to me or comfortable, he felt the need to tell me to look for a better job, office job or something in retail- like.. i get it, i don’t mind.. but it was NEVER enough for him. Fuck man this sux.. but a relief at the same time.. but right now it sux😒😔 awesome video as always!🙂

Wow he literally did all those things! The phone part left me at awe! He bought me a phone and years later I found out he had been tracking me for years! insane!

Just because a narcissist is insecure doesn’t mean they have a right to ruin people’s lives!

I would appreciate it so much if you pin my comment for the love of god.
I lived with my boyfriend, best described as a narc. He lied to me about where he goes. He is a foreign student and I am a green card holder.
I tried to communicate with him to no avail. I packed my stuff, paid the landlord next month and left. Later I found a voicemail from a cop asking to answer some questions. I called back, I was asked if I stole my ex passport, my answer was no, I didn’t and hung up.
I am not sure how to proceed with this narc who falsely accused me to get back at me and hurt me just because I refuse to be a supply. I can’t afford a lawyer as I am a college student and live on paycheck to paycheck. To all amazing ladies out there, I hope you guys help me with advices if you ever experienced similar issue or if you have a cop in the family. I am heartbroken. My parents are overseas.

I believed it was caring especially because he seemed so worried if he didn’t hear from me in a certain time frame. He bought me a phone, put me on his plan and turned tracker on. What’s interesting is after we were married, we got into an argument. I turned my tracker off and went for a walk. Granted it was late at night but it was still on his family property. He was sooo angry. This was one of the reasons he wanted to divorce me. The walk when I turned off my locator.

My stepfather was a narcissist control freak. My mom was not allowed to speak to the male neghbors, the mailman, the male security guards at her job.

Hahaha this is hilarious this is exactly what happened to me not only did they install that but they had it jailbroken and they were logged into my phone from there so they can additionally see everything I was looking for and logged into my Google account where years later when I realize this I was able to see all of the places they had actually gone because they forgot to log out first- places when they were supposedly working by the way lol! The best part 2 when I asked them about that they said well that was a few years ago as in a few years ago when we were married still so not only are they controlling but then they are out cheating while keeping tabs on you once they wanted to put cameras all throughout inside of the house that was time to go! Such Hypocrites it's beyond belief! And of course they will not let you to have your phone number back even if you've had it for 20 years before you even met them… creeps and slime balls!

I’ve been with my narcissit husband for 30 years ! we were together for 11 years before marrying 19 years ago. When I still worked I was an anaesthetic nurse in an operating theatre. When I began my career I started as a scrub nurse handing ovver surgical instruments to the surgeon. We had 18 operating theatres in our hospital and were a very social bunch of people who were always on nights out together. I only went to the ones with the theatre I worked in we were a very close team. My boyfriend/husband would call me up around 10pm saying its time you were going home! sometimes he just showed up towards the end of the night out. He would tell me its because I would get in a mess drinking alcohol ! possibly true but at the time we got together I was 32 years old. When after we married he’d get upset if I was on call for emergency surgery, or if I had to stay back with the team to finish an operation. Having watched your videos I now know how to get better treated by him in this marriage. I told him that I was just abour done with this marriage where I get nothing but continual verbal abuse. Now if he starts to say anything, i don’t react or I turn it back to face him.

In Taney County Missouri, law enforcement, legal counsel, the court, child protective services, etc. shun the victims and enable and empower the abusers. My son and I were not only viciously abused by my narc “husband” and his “dad” but he was given everything, including custody of our son in our dissolution of marriage. I grow really weary of therapists telling victims to go where they are only further abused.

In CA, When ever help is asked for / requested from Domestic violence authorities and hotline or say any form of suggestions for navigating out of the violent situation, then all they say is get a 'restraining order' or ' go to shelter home'.
Thats the only thing they say, no other option

How about a person who is suffering from getting constantly controlled but is totally financially dependent on the abuser?

He called me the other day. I was outside. We have a conversation, agree on something and say goodbye. Calls back in two minutes saying 'You dont have to go outside to take my call. Are you with another man?' This is so frustrating… Dude, I am going to the shop. Is that ok with you? LOL

this is a bit vague but seeing videos like this; it makes me worry my best friends girlfriend is narcisstic or at least I know she's controlling. When he hangs out with me he's always getting lots of texts from her. It doesnt look good I don't know what to do. She seems sweet bur ive seen a lot of red flags with her, i just hope shes not some nut job who would put him in danger

ex: calling me when I'm downstairs eating breakfast asking if i'll be much longer then hanging up CREEPY

humm I think this is why being with a narcissist even once can screw up relationships for people. Reading all these comments about total nut job control freaks monitoring and keeping ridiculous tabs on their partners, if someone tried to do that to me now I would simply scream WTF ARE YOU DOING HERE GET OUT GO HOME, ILL LEAVE WHEN IM READY F*ck OFF . a man tried to kiss my cheek and drape his arm over me in a pub and i had a lightning fast response. I didnt hit him but I shouted straight away to keep his hands off me and now any time I feel someone keeping on, trying to push or persuade or coerce in any way my guard will go up and once its up that's it. Push further and I'll get angrier or I will just disappear or grey rock you.
This can even spill into healthy relationships with people who arent manipulative and I don't act that way with everyone by a long shot but now I know people will try to exert power over others and certain behaviours can trigger it I'm not going to let anyone manipulate me or get a foothold over me again ever as long as I live. It keeps me emotionally safe but does mean i cant get close to people much anymore. Whenevet I do the paranoia and defensiveness kicks in. maybe its helpful

Good Lord I am glad I found your Channel

Infidelity is a very serious issue to deal with and it has become a major threat to most marriages and relationships.I was reluctant at first about finding the truth about my cheating narcissist husband but I’m glad I finally took the courage for it and now I believe the saying that “The Truth Will Set You Free” cos I feel better and free now after knowing the truth. I got help from Cyber Hack as he helped cloned my cheating husband’s phone and I got access to all his phone call logs, emails, text messages both deleted texts and also social media chats; whatsApp , Facebook, Instagram without having access to his phone because he is mostly out of town due to the nature of his work , all I provided was his phone number to this wonderful hacker. This was very revealing for me as he’s a serial cheater until I got into his phone .I’m glad to uncover his, lies, secrets and Infidelity. You can contact this great Hacker David via email (cyberhack003@gmail.com) or text and speak to him directly on his phone and WhatsApp : +15303784744

narcs are controlling because they know about female hypergamy.monkey branching,,wanting to have those night outs with friends in the clubs drinking it up ,things like that.id suggest for men to go mgtow and stop trying to control some womans life.look it up online.

Leave a comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.