narcissist videos

Two Faces of Dysfunctional Love: Rosenberg and Vaknin about Narcissism and Codependency

Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT talks to Sam Vaknin, PhD. ( about narcissism, codependency, and other attachment disorders.



  • PomPom Chick

    +Sam Vaknin, But isnt it true that the codependent also has a skewed idea of what love is? I agree that for the narcissist love means finding someone they can get their source of security, and narcissistic supply. For the codependent, love is something they have to work for, losing themselves even. No?

  • alys Freeman

    Very true comment about plethora of non-referenced or cited views of Narcissism/codependency from general population. I understand the experiences of others but it can be harmful to promote these views to others without solid evidence of scholarly bodies of work. I have been upset by comments and views of some people on support sites and now avoid them and stick to the experts like yourselves. thank you.

  • SherLight

    I am/was considered on the codependent side but what was really confusing for me was that I did not really feel totally as a codependent type because at a later age I maybe was scared of losing people when standing my ground but did it anyway (felt really alone, but somehow knew I had to push through)…. Later on a therapist learned me that I'm highly intelligent…. did not really understood it at that time what that meant, I first thought he meant high IQ or something, but later on I learned that you can also have an Emotional Intelligence or Spiritual Intelligence. So I walked alone through the dark not knowing where I would end but trusted the feeling that this is best for me and my environment to finally break the negative cycle and grow to balance. So Sam, not everyone has to become a "full blown" codependent with narcissistic parents right?
    I doubted myself often because I was a case where I was highly aware that something was "off" with myself or my environment but could not explain in words yet what it was and my believe was that because I had no rational explanation I could not really trust this feeling I had and had to wait for "evidence" (something that was showable, not only feeling). This is why I stayed and suffered too long in relationships with coverts.
    Now I know and truly trust to go with my intuition and that only my intuition (no rational explanation needed) is enough evidence too to put my trust in…. Covert narcisism is really the hardest thing to overcome I believe and takes a much longer time to truly realise you were not crazy.
    Thank you for being the Angel that you are in this topic and hope you can follow what I'm trying to say! <3

  • Amy Jo Hoppins

    "I will CHANGE" really means they will do better at hurting you! They will try better to poison you and get away with it better! The may put the poison in your lotions. They poison you through your food and drink. Then when you are unconsciouse they use a drive stun gun on you until your heart is going to burst within you. "she had a heart attack" they tell others. ..but fail to tell them that he caused it by applying two drive stun guns simultaneously to your face, eyes, neck, torso, lower left leg. Yeah. They will change. They become better at torturing you And getting away with it. "I love you" they say and somehow we [want to] believe them. Shame on them. God, come see this and bring your redemption.

  • Michele Swanson

    I agree with amost everything you have said here Dr. Rosenberg- with all due respect- except the becoming narcissistic due to 'being overly selfish' or too self indulgent after what you went through after your breaking away from your codependency. I really think of that as a major phase of healing and I believe that it balances itself out after. Strangely enough I went through a similiar period in my life but as soon as I went back to the Narc I fell back (not right away because I thought that I was strong enough to fend him off) into my codependency and my feeling hopelessness. Though I was much more conscience of what was happening and I felt I was slipping into where he had me before I left and began to heal. Does this make any sense? What I am trying to say is- Does it make you a narcissist when you are practicing self-loving?

  • Connie Jean Conklin

    Wow, that makes perfect sense…. when angry, empathy goes out the door with some people who appear to be narcissistic. The difference is where do you use the diagnosis of "narcissist", as opposed to maybe narcissistic tendencies? I used the term malignant narcissist to describe my mother. But my current bf is dealing with tremendous stress, and empathy appears gone completely when he's upset. I have C-PTSD and a history of co-dependency, and had to leave for awhile. (Interestingly, if you believe in numerology- I'm a 9 and he's a 33 and everything I've read is unbelievingly right on!). hhmmmm

  • Distorted Sunny

    ?? Love, sure but what about Like??
    I appreciate the well articulated description of the way a narcissist    expierences love.  I am an empath & also very codependant involved with a true narcissist. I know he loves me (in his own unique way) though our relationship has so far been 3 years of violent, rage fuled fights coupled with the most intense connection either of us have expierenced.
    We want a chance to succeed but this last year we have had to spend most of our time apart.Good part is we were able to step back and get perspective. I identify some issues that need addressing. And one of those I noticed is he doesnt like me. I see how he treats his friends and strangers..I asked him why he is able to be kind to everyone but me. He told me he has different expectations of me. He holds me to higher standard. Totally not fair. I asked if he likes me and he said he loves me. I dont think he knows there is difference. Would you help us to understand the difference and offer some advice on how to dance in harmony.
    thank you ☆♡☆

  • Sandy Russell

    Every narcissist i was with was damaged….and I wanted to help them. it makes sense! Wow! As children, my brother was picked on in school and disregarded by our parents bc of his stuttering, now he normally will just do things for his own benefit. On the flipside, our parents gave me more positive attention (bc I was a girl and girls are "delicate"), but still very demeaning. Now I know why I want to help people and my bro wants to do for himself ( usually). It's the "same coin", but opposite sides! !Eureka! Still learning! Thank you!

  • Adam Abele

    So a codependent feels worse than the narcisist, but the codependent can heal with or without a therapist. The narcisist can´t heal himself, because he´s not aware of his problem, and the therapist can´t help either.

  • Anne Smith

    This is a great video. Thank you for collaborating with each other. It's incredible to hear you two talk and that you both have transcended your dysfunction. The inverse relationship is fascinating. There is so much the two sides can learn from each other. As the codependent it has been quite painful to learn these lessons but they have been the greatest lessons of my life.

  • danuuteee

    Vankin states he "channels and leverages" his narcissistic needs into socially acceptable – and even socially beneficial ways. Fantastic! (Reminds me of the premise for Dexter, who was ultimately healed in the fictional TV series. I believe that Dexter was a fabulous portrayal of recovery from a traumatic wound very similar to narcissism: sociopathy.)
    My sense is that narcissism lies within each victim the way a black dot lies within the white space of a Yin-Yang symbol. Similarly, a small white dot (a tendency to victimhood and vulnerability) lies within the black space of the Yin-Yang.
    I am so glad to be out of that dance! (or at least, for the most part, see it clearly enough to walk away–or break away–from such invitations to dance.)
    Wonderful interview! Thank you for posting.

  • Elizabeth Seiden

    I'm a codependant n I'm not sure, but I think my sister n my brother are as well. I believe my mom was a codep. She was still parentifying me at 34. I remember when we lived together on n off, that I felt she was my daughter n sometimes my mom. She'd financially abuse me n sometimes hide some of things for months n then tell that she had my stuff n returned it to me. I started paying my mom an allowance to spoil her when we 1st lived together. I gave her $200/week. However when I stopped she'd have a little fit in the kitchen. Plus she had different relationships with my brother n I, n she really wasn't there much for my younger sister, the middle child. After my mom passed, my sister said, you n David had mom, but I never had her.

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