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This Woman Says Her Narcissist Husband Has Healed



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Dr. David Hawkins books – http://amzn.to/2rVSF7S
‘Why Does He Do That?” (Book by Lundy Bancraft mentioned in letter) – http://amzn.to/2rVvZon

Original Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7K5J7QmkyeA

Today I’m sharing a story from a SPAN member who says her husband has been healed of his narcissism by Dr. David Hawkins, who has claimed to know the cure for narcissism. With her permission, I’m printing her letter in full here – but we’ll refer to her husband as Mr. X to protect their identities.

“Hi Angie, just watched your video referencing Dr. Hawkins. My husband Mr. X (name changed) and I have been clients of Dr. Hawkins’ for 18months. Prior to Dr. H, nothing worked. Mr. X could sell ice to Eskimos and fool me, himself, our previous counselor, etc.

Mr. X didn’t believe he was abusive or narcissistic; he only acknowledged being self-centered and feeling entitled.

Dr. Hawkins was effective for a few reasons:

Hawkins knew who and what he was dealing with– he called out every attempt of blame shifting, gaslighting, etc. He easily drilled down and identified Mr. X’s triggers.
He taught me how to respond and react in a way that cut off Mr. X from abusing me and he wasn’t allowed to interact with me again until he made appropriate amends as approved by Dr. H. If his amends were BS, Dr. H called him out on that too.
Over time he identified Mr. X’s abuse cycle and the triggers for each phase of it. He taught Mr. X how to identify his thinking errors along with a process to replace his stinking thinking with healthy thinking.
The abuse cycle used to be short, repeated every few days or weekly, then as Mr. X became a humble participant in his own therapy with Dr. H the abuse cycle occurred maybe once a month. Mr. X’s “narcissist mode episodes” happened less and less.
It was hard work, we had to work together daily, per Dr. H we read Lundy Bancroft’s book, “Why does he do that?”, this taught us both why abuser’s abuse, how they think, what needs to occur for them to change, etc. This was one of many helpful assignments from Dr. H.

See full letter here: http://queenbeeing.com/narcissist-cured-enough/

My response is included in this video.

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26 Comments

  • Linda Welch

    I agree with you totally Angie. No cure, and very few Narc's would even consider managing! I know my Narc was in therapy for years. Some for himself, some over his daughter (also a narc). Not one therapist ever even suggested he was a narc!! He had to go to counseling court ordered once. He came home and told me all about how he was helping his therapist with her life!! Much love 💜

  • Nikki Smith

    I remember an episode of House where the mom/wife was discovered to be a sociopath. Her family had no idea! At the end, after her life had been saved and she was recovering, her family ran to her bedside to hug her. She looked up at the doctors/camera with this super creepy glare. She then looked down at her daughters. Her face softened and she went back to pretending to be this amazing wife and mom.
    That look. It's the same look my ex would give me when he was trying to convince me I was the cause of all of the problems in his life and our marriage. Oh my gosh! That's the same feeling I get about them getting well. They are professional pretenders!

  • S M

    Um….. NO!!!!! I don't believe her husband has changed ! He is doing everything to have her stroke his ego. The more he shows he is working on himself ,through therapy , I am sure she is rewarding him for it. Why would he leave her ? I don't have the patience to take my narc ex for therapy ( I did. And only one session he proved to the counselor I was the bad and mad one ). U r so right Angie. Why would I want someone tell me " S M u r wow wee wooh!" Only to be in my good books ? Not worth my energy snd time. Thank god I don't have to deal with him anymore. Feeling relieved.

  • Tori Duff

    this all makes perfect sense, we have to remember narcissism is a personality disorder, borne out of extreme, mostly, pain and abandonment as a young child. The recovery program is the same as any other personality disorder… BUT.. because of the very nature of narcissism involving 'arrogance' as a defence mechanism it is much more difficult to even get a narcissist into therapy let alone stick with it. As the partner you also have to be prepared to be strong the whole time, to even be your own emotional supply. I just couldn't do that. I thought I could, I wanted to with all my heart but it was just too much. I felt like I was doing all the giving (no change from pre-therapy!) and as a very emotional person, I just wasn't strong enough. As you day Angie, nothing can make up for spontaneous love and behaviour as opposed to feeling you are 'making' someone behave a certain way x

  • Mary W

    Angie, From my own personal experience of living with a narcissist for 20 years, my narcissist changed alright and he changed for the worst. He's now 60 years old and the most evil, hateful and heartless person I've ever known. I think it's impossible to change these monsters bc they are convinced that everyone else is the problem.

  • Mama48

    I think he's just been given a lesson on how to decieve better. They don't change they adapt and continue on but more covertly .Once they have gotten therapy they use it as another tool on how to decieve thier loved ones, they figure out how to play thier victims more effectively.

  • Cathy Wasserman

    Hi Angie, in my viewing of Dr. Hawkin's videos, he acknowledges that it's not easy for narcissists to change long-term and he talks some about the difference between full-blown narcissism and traits of. I must admit, I have been intrigued by his work, though I am sure it wouldn't work for everyone. It feels like he operationalizes Lundy's work in a way that is accessible to people, particularly because most narcs will not go to a DV program like Lundy has run. I hear you on the genuine piece for sure, and at the same time, in terms of treating narcs rather than curing one to be in a relationship with, I think Hawkin's work is an interesting approach as we as a culture do need to contain narcs even if we decide not to be in a relationship with them. I am with you on wanting to see the long-term studies. I think narcs need constant monitoring and it's exhausting and resource intensive, but they don't have an internalized conscience. I wish we could all meet and talk about strategies both for survivors to heal away from the narc and to treat narcs, whether we are in a relationship with them or not, they need to be dealt with. Our whole society really has a responsibility to deal with them, not just survivors. I love how you share the latest research and strategies, you don't missing anything, thank you so much!!

  • shawn lopez

    I'm in total agreement with you on this topic Angie, I personally do not believe with our current medical practices that Narcissism can be treated and/or cured to the point where the narc can lead a normal non-destructive life.

    Furthermore, I want to say that this stigma of men being the more dominant gender over females with NPD is very inaccurate. Why? because women are wired to talk/express their feelings (therefore there are more reported cases of narcissism about males) while men are wired to keep their feelings inside hence why the suicide rate is so much higher in men than in women. Men are looked at as weak should they actually talk about their feelings especially with something like narc abuse.

    I actually joined your SPAM group a few months back and the amount of women to men in that group was highly skewed towards women. The same goes for the other two groups I joined. Furthermore when ever a male posted about their Narc abuser (me being one of them) very few ppl would respond with support but when another female would post tons and tons of post for support were provided. Because of this I left your SPAM group and the other two Narc groups after spending 6 weeks in them. I personally didn't feel I was getting any help or support. What I did get was more educated on the behavior about narcs which is why I stayed as long as I did. Fortunately for me my recent narc abuser was my 2nd and I was able to recover much better than my 1st. My first narc abuser haunted me for years because I couldn't get treatment.

    Anyways, I believe this happens for a couple of reasons. One most of the women in these group are very angry with men or even hate men because of what they went through with their Narc. They see narcissism as a male thing (of coarse there are exceptions but that is the general view from most of the females in these support groups). Second because of what I mentioned earlier society especially most women don't feel men matter when it comes to their mental health. Should a man actually talk about their feelings we are seen as weak. We are suppose to be rocks with out emotions or feelings not to mention expendable which is a whole other discussion that I won't entertain here.

    While I do appreciate your videos and I think you are doing a wonderful job at helping ppl I believe another big problem that we face with this particular issue is the gender blaming. Narcissism doesn't discriminate on gender and I personally believe that because the female population is higher over males that there are probably more female narcs than male but because of what I previously mentioned the female narc abusers aren't being reported. If the numbers as far as gender population were closer and if men started speaking up about their narc abusers; I believe the narc numbers would be more even. This is not an attack on females but just a general observation that I have collected over the months into my rabbit hole recovery over Narcissistic abuse.

    Narcissism isn't a male thing or a female thing, it's an asshole thing. And for those of you women who do have the mindset I mentioned earlier about men, I leave you with this.

    Imagine if it were your son who was abused by a Narc what would your attitude be then? Would you love and support your son or ignore them as I've experienced and witnessed in these support groups?

    I wish you all the best at your recovery as this is a pain that no one should ever have to go thru whether you are female or male.

  • aubrey archambault

    It took me 6x of going back and leaving to realize that Brandon was immature, couldn't change and didn't want to or think he needed to, why? It was always someone else's fault and isn't the first step in changing, is admitting you have a problem? Sounds like a typical narc ploy, the chips are high and she is really leaving this time, bags in hand.. he sees her approaching the door, knowing abandonment is far to close he gets on his knees, proclaiming he's a better man because of her, he needs her and she's his one and only/his soulmate (insert pretend cry) remember the narc knows his codependent well, he knows what to say and will literally say and do anything (until he feels the supply is placated) before returning to tinder and the rest of the bs he swore he would never do, please trust me when I say that these people have gone thru such early childhood trauma that they do not have the capability to love or feel compassion or empathy for another human. NO MATTER WHAT THEYVE BUTTERED THEIR SOURCE INTO BELIEVING. nothing they say is real, the relationship I was in? A total lie! I am happier to have him out of my life, I am hard enough on myself. I don't need another person picking me apart/ wanting me to change when I am not the problem, it's like look in the mirror bruhhh

  • Mike O'malley

    Hi, I'm a self effacing narcissist. I fully believe I can heal and recover from this disorder. I'm fully aware and accountable of my previous actions, and how I have hurt the nearest and dearest to me. I'm wanting to heal, not just for my benefit, but for those around me, and the work at large. Yes! Narcissists can heal! They must be willing to self discover and become accountable.

  • Loving Myself

    It only makes them better at deceiving the victim. They may go to the therapist but to only use what they learned on the victim to better their tactics. Those assholes live to make others miserable especially the victim & his/ her children. They are such liars & the pain they cause is unbearable bcz they can flip the switch anytime. Praying for healing bcz they never change, they only get worse.

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