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The Narcissist's Biggest Fear & Why They Discard: ABANDONMENT



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We were not devalued and discarded because we’re not good enough, but rather because we are TOO GOOD. Find out what I mean by that by watching this video.

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50 Comments

  • MarekUtd

    My narcissistic ex cried for 45 minutes when I rejected her by dumping her. I felt terrible but I could not stand her abuse any more. Looking back I know it was the right decision but perhaps not the right method as I was yelling at her and telling her how horrible a person she was.

  • Nicholas Conway

    Sarah, you seem very knowledgeable in this & upon looking back – I cant believe I missed the signs. My situation seems very fitting to what you’re talking about. However, it’s hard to believe they are that person. It seems to me that when I pulled away from her after reflecting on how she made me feel unloved & unappreciated in the relationship, she caught on to that & discarded me almost immediately for an ex that “treated her terribly”. She did ask me why I had been “acting weird lately”, she even came over and we talked about everything & she made me feel like we were working on it & that it would be okay – never saw her again. The discard or break up conversation wasn’t cruel, just didn’t make sense to me at all and she seemed very scared and confused. I look back now and I realize I never knew what was really going on in her head. It almost seemed like she lived in this “mental hell” with herself of thinking everyone was going to hurt her or out to get her. She would never show it unless I pressed. She always appeared so happy, fun, care free, loving – and that is what has made it so hard for me to determine that she could be this type of person and all that was a facade to protect herself. Is it normal for me to be confused and even second guessing myself? I often did that when trying to talk to her about problems as she would say things to justify her actions and made me think I was overreacting.

  • Virgil Allen

    It took my near death, the death of our son and my compensation, a load of holidays the loss of my stuff being accused of cheating her acting like she had someone else disappearing unable to contact not sleeping or even a hug for nine years a mountain of credit card debt in my name I knew nothing of bills unpaid selling my possessions getting thrown to the wolves aresseted new yrs eve two months living homeless even though I own the house she’s living in and having sex with her new supply in my bed,my daughter and friends disowning me by the min and as this two months homeless I do research I now know what I’m dealing with, I truly wish I knew before all the arguments I reacted badly too instead of walking away, I’ve been gutted like a fish and I still think I love her that’s surly a mind trick cos all that’s been done my worst enemy couldn’t do to me, I’m two months no contact and slowly getting it together, 22years is a long time, I’ve forgotten who I used to be and I never want to be in this situation again, I’m worn out. I feel 107 not 47. And I still have a trial and repossessing my house to get through then trying to connect with my only child left. Don’t worry about the dead ..fear the living. Good luck to you all, it feels like my luck ran out for now.

  • JethrineBodine

    This was SO healing for me to hear!!! I went through narcissist hell four times, and will never forget the searing pain and humiliation of being rejected like that. My current husband is a total sweetheart and makes me so happy. Sweet insight helps us to avoid falling for these dangerous, damaged people again and again. Thanks so much!

  • Geri Szpara

    I ripped the mask off of mine.. He wanted me to do something, I said NO! Stuck to my guns on it. He acted out pouting and playing the  "Oh whoa is me" part to manipulate me into giving in and I didn't.He told me he was moving his buddy's place. He was out in one day and now I'm free and running around my apartment like Macaulay Culkin on Home Alone. LOL

  • Donna K

    Yes it is a competiton they are full of rage, hate and bitterness. He told me on the discard day i was 'too strong' He is the weakest most cowardly person i have ever met. The new supply is unintelligent and known for being a doormat to men. I rest my case

  • R W

    I wish I had listened to this when you published it ! I was discarded on the 29th December 2017. The day before you published this… I now know that what you say here is true, at first I thought it was Because I was not enough, had no value to him. Now I know he hated that he could not break me, I did not react how he wanted, I did not change how i interacted with him no matter what he did. I held onto the perspective that I did not want to practice what I did not want to become. He had no rage from me, no histrionics, no jealousy, no envy. He only had kindness and care from me even at the end. I was me, he did not change me in a detrimental way, I just learnt from him -what I did not want, what I did not need, and that I valued myself enough to not play the game. Great video and insight thank you 🙏

  • Jeanette O'Neil

    I keep attracting these types. The ones I get withdraw all physical attention. It is so creepy the way they enjoy frustrating you. I have lost ten years. I am so sad. I have to get strong and get myself together. Yes a competition. So creepy. Throwing you off
    the pretend pedestal. You are so sweet and pretty and did not deserve this.

  • Sarah Waseeq

    Thank you Sarah you are beautiful. The narc told me I am a nobody and his ex and him were together were for like 10 years. I was the new supply. While our relationship he talked to multiple girls and I am sure he slept with many women too. He follows a lot of girls and pretends he’s deleted them which is bs. He’s a loser and I tried to help him be nice none of that stuff works these people don’t appreciate anyone. It’s made me suicidal and anti social. I chose him over friends and family but he never left anyone not even girls he was talking to. I am struggling mentally I left him before but came back it gets worse

  • Virgil Allen

    Why is it so difficult to expose her to others? I saw it but couldn’t prove it as she robbed stole cheated and lied then got me arrested and then gaslight my friends into basically thinking I’m a bad person. I built my life around her and our children and ended up now renting because she’s in my house trying to get a falsely acquired percentage out of it.yes I know free money. Shock news there, my daughter is in the middle with no real information or age experience to grasp what the poor helpless narc portrays to her. I get she’s evil on many levels but how I ended up with almost nothing after giving so much I have even lost what made me a person,friends as well as stuff I bought which can always be replaced if desired. It’s such a mess for me yet I saw something coming. This is such a learning curve it’s hard to take it all in. And I’m doing it alone such is her public persona I’m now an outsider. Yes it all sounds me me me I’m just struggling to explain a mountain of feelings all at the same time. Hindsight is a wonderful yet cruel thing so many flags took so little notice. Thanks for your insight.peace one love folks.

  • Stella M

    Stop using the word victim, please. Don't put that word in your head, don't identify with it. Targeted yes, exploited probably, wounded of course, but NOT A VICTIM. A survivor. Or, even, if you're healed enough, just a really shitty relationship in your past. Everyone has a crazy ex, this time the crazy was on full power.

    Note: Every time you ask if you are making sense I see the damage that was done to you. Stop questioning yourself. If you're not certain of your explanation, babe, just rehearse before you record. Everyone seems to have understood you just fine. :o)

  • Steph S.

    You are so to the point! My ex narc even told me his biggest fear was abandonment! And when he discarded me, I even told him: " You are afraid of being abandoned but you are abandoning me, that doesn't make sense!". At that stage, I didn't know yet he was a narc, but knew smtg was wrong with him and was starting to figure him out. But when I ultimately unmasked him, I understood.

  • Shirley George

    Love love love this video.
    I wish I'd come across Sarah Speaks and other genuine Narc advisors way back in the 1990's!
    I so wish I knew then about the Narc and how they as Evil beings operate with Synthetic foundation, spiteful, paranoid, extremely jealous and immature behaviour, lack of love, humanity or positive emotions.
    Now I know why the constant blame-reverse and 'poor me' victim tactics run through their veins. I'm sure most of humanity are afraid of rejection…However, there is a lot of self-help or professional help that can be found for a healthy recovery. The lies become an addiction and way of life. The Narc I've recently removed myself from told me I was 'damaged' goods! I'm glad I didn't let them 'damage' my heart, I have loving, genuine people around me and my child,
    I look forward to a much healthier future.
    I thank God I didn't allow myself to be brainwashed and I escaped the 'prison of negativity'…I'm feeling better and feeling free to improve and embrace happiness.

  • Bkc Noell

    It's always the same. Distrust oneself in some area. Then go to excess.then become convinced passion and love must be extinguished.then…find a compliant dispassionate mom romantic partner, who come from a non romantic regime

  • TFGuitar81

    Wow. Thank you Sarah. I was recently devalued, discarded and replaced. Was made to to feel like I was selfish and only thought about myself. Was also told I will never be able to make another woman happy. Meanwhile, the entire time I was with the narcissist, all my friends and family were telling me that they didn't trust her and that I deserved better. I also felt deep down, that i deserved better, but I'm an empath and I give people the benefit of the doubt. Out of all your videos, this might help me the most

  • John Vena

    Great stuff Sarah. My story reads like it came from a narcicist manual. I was ignored for one one whole week. I called her up to break up with her and she fought to have me back. I took her back the following day. We got along great. I did wonderful over the top things for her birthday a few weeks later, buying her an exercise bike worth $455, took her out to dinner and then she asked to go to a show. I couldn't fit the show into the budget and a few weeks later, she tells me that her old guy friend from 15 years ago who I don't know is taking her to this show. She even had the audacity to ask me to babysit her kids. I told her to find a new fulltime babysitter and she discarded me. No attempts to contact me. She left me hanging because she had found her nee source during the time in which she won me back and the day I told her to screw. This was why she never contacted me. She realized that since I figured her out, the relationship was doomed. I oit the next sources she encounters and her poor kids who were led to believe I was a father like figure to them. My narc told me that she was a victim of physical abuse when she was younger and during her early teens. It makes sense that she felt abandoned and unloved. Such a sad and tragic cycle.

  • Jose navas

    Ms Sarah; First of all I would want to wish you only the best of day..
    Your absolutely right in your evaluation. I agree, because of the good quality you have and develop one has become a good person. If only my Narc would appreciate and understand these qualities take time to grow like a tree in my view. No amount of clean water or pills can suddenly transfer positive vides. But I'm sure there are some out there would disagree.
    Even after a year of living with my female Narc, she acts as if she pull one over on me again? Truly at times I want to laugh at her, not with her. Again numerous times I have pointed this out. How can a person after certain amount of time can they NOT know what's going on?.
    Ms I have s scents of appreciation and understanding of growth in me. I truly do thank you.
    Peace and joy….I'm still a hippie at heart.

  • Troy Carpenter

    I have reason to believe that the narc I experienced had been plotting against me, possibly for years. I was like her sadistic project. I'm not talking from the perspective of a bitter person who just wants to insult my ex. I'm being absolutely factual. I knew her 20 years. We became gradually closer and finally became romantic the last 2 years. She was sweet the whole time. We argued sometimes, but for the most part she was like a soulmate. I trusted her completely. When I say trust, I don't just mean that I trusted that she wouldn't cheat. I also trusted that she was authentic. She did say some negative things towards me, and expressed displeasure with a couple of things. That was sudden but still not alarming. We knew each other so well, I just figured she must've been cranky. The complaints weren't anything major. That was the only subtle clue as to what was to come. Suddenly she completely ghosted me for weeks. She started acting cold. I just ignored her at first. She then started calling me to make plans and then calling back to cancel. Stuff like that. Back before she changed, while I still trusted her, she had prepared things to use against me later. Some things I call little seeds. She seemed to want me to be suspicious of her. I did think she was cheating at first. After a while I reasoned that she had to be messing with me. She was also able to trigger my temper in front of people with just a few choice words. She was able to easily confuse me in arguments. Suddenly she became manipulation on steroids. I spent a few weeks studying her behavior before I dumped her, and I have reason to believe that she knew what she was doing and had planned it out way in advance. Maybe as control, or a feeling of superiority? To ruin me? Sadistic pleasure? Possibly any number of those reasons. She didn't only have me manipulated but the perspective of everyone on the outside looking in were also manipulated. They had no idea what she was. I never knew she was like this. Not in 20 years! Suddenly I'm watch her personality change with different people. Cadence of her voice and even her eyes would change! I had seen subtle things like this back when I trusted her. I just figured she was just in certain moods or being a little pretentious. She was an extreme manipulator. I have never seen anyone dedicate so much time and energy in something like that. I have to say, she was good, had me fooled for a very long time. Dumping her right away was the most hardcore thing I've ever had to do. I had to do it though. I felt like I had just opened the book of the undead or something. I ran for the hills! She tried hoovering a little but she knows I'm wise to her now and has left me alone for the most part.

  • Julie S.

    My ex-narc is an amazing , caring , giving father, ( from his second wife) and now grand-father….Could it be that with him having these children, it gives him security, knowing they will never abandon him?

  • Craft-t-bugs

    You do good work. Thank you. Most people don't want to acknowledge the Narcs behaviour, unless and until they wise up and get chewed up and spat out the other side. Thanks for educating the wise to become wiser. Shed light on the darkness and reveal the subtle ways these individuals slowly poison the kind, unwitting and gentle souls of the world.

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