The Extortion of Trust | 10 tactics that narcissists use

If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist or other manipulator, you can probably relate to feeling like you were force or coerced into trusting them very early on, before trust was earned. During the grooming phase, they will start the process that I call the extortion of trust. In this video I describe 10 common trust extortion tactics of the narcissist, psychopath, sociopath or other manipulator.

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Comments (44)

RealityCheck6T9: Indeed! Many of them have been raped physically and psychologically(as children), …. (the underlying truth of dissociated and thus, perpetuated states of victimhood. They would probably like to be in there own skin, but they checked out and opted for a self serving simulation of reality. It is sad that many of them are very gifted and physically beautiful people. They were treated as objects. Most likely they would have liked to have shown up as themselves, but they are NOT themselves. This is why your smile causes them pain. They support a dissociative illusion that they are someone else, while their disconnected, unurtured, authentic self, has become grotesque and unmanageable..dead. If you get them to look in the mirror and see that truth…get ready ready to be attacked! If you value your life, validate your own perceptions and worth, etc. They really don’t want to hear it, unless your a Psychologist and they got desperate enough to walk in.

“Here is why your whole life is Ffffffffff’d and you are a very mal-adapted, abusive, anti-nurture, delusional, person from a bad family….who has hurt and ruthlessly exploited everyone who ever loved them…all your life! You have Narcissistic Personality Disorder! Ding ding ding, we have a Winner!!!

“Hey, Okay”! “Thanks Doc”! I told myself that my Dad was a super hero, but really he was a super molester and that was not normal, so I stopped dealing with reality altogether and became a stripper for 8 years. I have assigned accountability to others for my own crimes and punished them for them…Okay, I can handle it all now, etc, etc..

Save your breathe, if you are looking for reciprocation, validation, or closure.

Think about it.

Less than a minute in and Im shocked. Crisis and Rescue was their tactic😔😪 Best video Meredith! Thank you so much for breaking it down further to terms and steps we need to know and be aware of for our safety! You explained so many points. Vital information! Im so glad you're here. Its been so helpful. I feel more safe and secure knowing what to be observant of.

Well, one single offer for help with the groceries would normally just be an approach because of possible attraction/need for healthy interaction. The insistence however seems very forceful indeed and should be aborted.

Well, males posing as more than they actually are towards women is a way of looking bigger persona than they really are. Part of courting. Females wearing make-up do EXACTLY the same thing: signalling fertility and thereby manipulating male attraction ! These behaviours have nothing to do with narc but are biologically induced, it can get too far though !

Well said. The definition of earn is to obtain money for labor services. I would say that trust is learned. As you stated, observed pattern of behavior. This happens over time. Trust should never be quickly established. No one can work or pay for one's trust can they? I wanted to get your thoughts on third-party manipulation to build trust on the target. A form of triangulation?

1.) crisis & rescue to feel indebted to them
2.) not applicable
3.) force you into something you're not OK w/…overtly shame you for not wanting this thing they think is great.
4.) OFFER UNSOLICITED HELP!!!! (The gift of fear book….nice is a decision, not a character trate.)
They offer help, you say no, they offer help, you say no, etc etc….they're priming you to always say YES.
5.) not applicable
6.) mirroring your hopes & dreams (we like/want the same things!)
7.) They buy you things to gain trust. (Bills or groceries)
8.) Self PR campaign…selling themselves to you!!!! Forced. Someone trying to sell you on who they are.
9.) they tell you to trust them. They'll play the hurt puppy if you don't trust them.
10.) act caring & concerned about you.

This video is SO important!!! I can see this in so many friendships I had in the past~ and the 13 years of hell from the ex Narc. WOW.

I was told in the beginning of my covert marriage now 28 years in and trying to get out He said if you weren’t so independent we could get along a lot better..Is this the same thing in different words??

Also I’ve learned my whole life has been with Narcissist my mother was the start of it!!

I’m in a situation where He went behind my back after we had discussed not getting a credit card and did so on my bank account of my back pay from LIBS it actually was my medical money and I had to come home and pay off back credit card debt from cards way back when He never once told me he got this CC in the same year and month we opened the account He held onto it and paid it with his tips and gas money every month and got 2 more loans Can’t day what he did with 30,000 I would have never known had it not been for needing a loan on the home and these came up I’m thinking they’re fraud He’s saying nothing then he say just pay it that was CC I thought he was crazy why pay a CC that someone has in his name?? Then she verify’s it’s his He never admitted it at all and as she found each one and claimed that each of the 3 10,000 each was his CC and 2 loans he had taken out!! He cried in the end and said he was sorry Not once has he worked on building my trust back up with him He can’t even tell me what he did behind my back with 30,000 dollars that buy the way is now on the house and another debt for me to figure out how to get out if so I can leave I’m the main one on the house Any help would be greatly appreciated as I’m lost on what too do as he’s got me jacked in debt and the card racked back up again to 11,000 as he got a raise when it was paid off by the loan on the home!! I feel he should have said more and done more for a 6 year 30,000 break of my trust I trusted him with my life and when I mention it because yes I forgave for me But I still feel
I’m owed from him to feel like he won’t donut again I feel I should be shown by him to build my trust instead He screams at the top of his lungs anytime it’s brought up and then thrown at me like shut up 🤐 or else!! Is he being for real after 28 years of Love and Marriage he’s constantly telling me about the past when I bring it up he didn’t act that way or do those things whenI know Dad him well he did?? I get so twisted and lost!! I’m also disabled but financially I’m fine on my own unlike him he’s not!! I keep hearing they are wealthy etc. Not him he’s never put himself out their to get a decent living but always mad because he can’t have his rich life style in his mind Like the other if it was up to me we would have a formal living area!! WHAT WERE IN DEBT HES BROUGHT 5 dogs and he thinks we need a formal living when he has no one coming to the house anymore!!! I keep thinking he is and then I see he’s not everything said and I get lost and confused 🤷🏼‍♀️ can anyone help me?? Thx Shey

Good video informative just don’t take it out of context

Omg this is my fiancee down to every single word you say

They do make you doubt yourself

you are spreading complete garbage and your fear mongering. yea, lets all be afraid of people that like to help others. wtf is wrong with that?

This is so triggering. My ex narc would ask me if I trusted him every single time we saw each other. It made me so uncomfortable but eventually I questioned myself and why I wasn’t trusting him more. Ugh. What a terrible, pathetic person.

After the narcissist, u feel soul raped. You feel numb and tired. Always tired.
Rn I have very little empathy left, the Narc took it all away.
It's gonna take a while to feel whole again.

Your work means so much to me. Thank you for this video. This specific type just came into my life 2 months ago. I would have completely fallen if it wasn’t for you.

Trust is something that should come naturally. If someone is forcing you into it (directly or by shame, guilt or obligation), get out. That’s your cue to leave.

So, so, so..TRUE! All 10 tactics (and more!) I've 'experienced'…Whether it's your family, friends, ex, (or child), boss, neighbour or so-called religious/ spiritual leaders (Scientology, internet frauds etc) learn to listen to your intuïtion and recognize the red flags!! Tnx Meredith…xx

Happened to me since I was 5. Recently talking to a person online and he said why are you so scared of love when I didn't reciprocate 😂

There is a reason of it, why i'm not tolerating them around myself and they find themselves removed by force if it's necessary.

I had a coworker with ALL the traits she described..scary!!

I think you are spot on with those kind of passive extorsive attitudes

Ahhh. He came to my rescue …jt was winter my car broke down. He offered to come over as he knew cars. He also did meet his new supply in the same way. A yoyng woman with a car broken down on a rainy night. …..he went overboard with these gifts. Stuff I thought lovely. …yet.. Stopped with the lovely much after married …i rebuked his insults to me. .. He would reprimand me after home for speaking. w.friends. see I was taking his place in his mind….. …totally wrong now that I look back. Red flags all over….. ……

They are fucking evil imbeciles: MONSTERS!!!!!!!! Get away/ stay away!!!!!!!!!!!

This is very helpful and ALL women, single and nonsingle, will benefit from this necessary message. Thank you for your video!!!!

OMG deja vue! He tried to convince me that Trust should be given freely until broken. And that the world had it the wrong way round: that the concept of earning Trust would be wrong. We literally had a fight about this issue.

When you Say they play they hurt puppy or act caring sometimes if yoy don't melt they can insult you sometimes in very hurtfull way

Meredith, you freaking rock. Thanks for being willing to cut through the spiritual BS. I'm a person who has always been alert to certain manipulative behaviors and when I've pointed them out, I get shamed as "negative". These days I am wiser and keep my observations to myself, determining what they mean to me instead of asking others to validate. I absolutely love your stuff! Merry Christmas and happy 2020!

Also I wish someday to see you talking with two of my other favorite youtubers in this sphere, Lisa Romano and Zoe at Live Abuse Free. I would love to hear some savvy ladies just talk somewhat casually on this topic!

My ex always just want me to think positive no matter what and never want me to think about what could go wrong. He demand to be trusted and when i question just a little about his loyalty he would act like he's so hurt then get's angry and or distant, he would ask for space and would stop talking to me. There was this time when he was chatting with another girl and then i let the other girl know that i know they're talking, and maybe that girl told him that i'm suspecting them so out of the blue his name popped up on my phone then start to open up to me about how depressed he is. I didnt know and i still don't know if he was sincere about that confession or he was just making it up to cover what he was doing. Another thing is i confronted him few days after, told him i talked with that girl and i know he was lying about saying that they never talk, he again acted hurt and that my problem is i don't trust him and i'm being overprotective and it was a turn-off behaviour for him. Then he shut down again for another cool off. 2days after, i wanted to talk to him and make him explain but he just ignored me so i broke up with him. He didn't even respond, not even a single word. I still send him messages sometimes trying to tell him how horrible he made me feel but he just keeps ignoring. It's been 20days already. I just realized he is a narcissist after stumbling on this videos about narcissist behavior. I wish i had watched this before.

Great information! Very helpful to me 🥰

Got to laugh: the ad that started the video was for pest control (fly spray)! 😃🤣

Hey, Listen…. It's okay, I can handle….. Kisses and hugs as we say in Sweden after trying to end the converatation. Take care!

They force/coerce you to trust before that trust was earned.

Red flags (indicating extrotion of your trust):
1. Crisis & rescue (playing the saviour/hero. They either created the crisis or just took advantage of a crisis in your life. You will have a sense of gratitude. Later on they charge you 10.000 fold).
2. Hight intensitiy date (adrenalin) & sex: trauma bond
3. Force you into sth you are not O.K. with. (They will ask surprised or shame you for not wanting to do that. E.g. riding the motor cycle).
4. They offer unsolicited help. (They are priming you to say yes, after a few refusals).
5. Demanding your smile. (You're so much prettier, i'd like to see you smile). They are training you to do what they want. (Coercing your behaviour)
6. Mirroring your hopes and dreams (perception of wanting the same things in life). Manipulating your trust trough a sense of commonality.
7. they buy you things. Or pay your bills.
8. the self P.R. campain. (They are trying to seel themselves to you: I am a really nice person. )
9. they tell you: trust me, you should trust me, you have to trust me more. (Or shame you, if you don't).Play the hurt puppy, if you don't trust them.
10. love and light spiritual trolling.

I Am Abundantly Grateful for Your Videos/Teachings. They have and continue to help Guide me through My Personal healing from Childhood Abuse and Neglect which resulted in a Severe lack of Self Worth, Boundaries and Being Codependent. Which then going unhealed into My Adult Life evolved into Narcissism. You Continue to help Guide Me into innerstanding My Prior self and ways along with my Family and prior “Friends”/Associates on a much deeper and Authentic level throughout My Recovery/Healing. I Am Grateful for and Thank You for having and continuing to take the Energy doing as You Are. Gratitude and Love🌞💙♾

I recently dodged a spiritual coercion of trust. I was talking with a well respected shaman lady, asking her basic questions. She interrupted me saying "you think too much you just need to trust". Huge red flag. If you are considering working with a therapist or a shaman, especially with plant medicine do not fall for this! Trust is earned not forced. I'm glad I saw her true colors before putting myself in her hands. This video was spot on!!!!

After a few years of searching everywhere for a solid understanding of relationships I believe you will begin to see that none of us are free of (unconsciously or not) hoping and behaving in ways to gain a parent or child's attention, affection, help, loyalty, admiration, awe and respect . . .

I had a new boyfriend when I was about 20. Extremely attractive, outgoing, etc. We went on a few dates and then one day, out of the blue, he said to me: 'Why don't you wear nice tight-fitting jeans for a change'? (I loved wearing long dresses). Needless to say, I NEVER AGAIN answered his calls. Another boyfriend once ignored me for two days straight – that was the first and the last time it happened…I never went out with him again. This was all before YouTube and I now realize what bullets I had dodged then (in all my unknowingness, lol…I had no idea something like a narcissist even existed…it was pure and undulated instinct. Thank God I trusted my instincts.

Thank you for this video what you say is so commond for how i have been manipulate to talk and trust my narc. Always on my coach when im in my own house they made me cry confuse me and telling me That i schould trust theme. Make me feel like im a bordeliner or giving me aan other mental ilness

I am guilty of telling my partner that he should have trusted me more. It's because he always assumed I was cheating on him, and made several accusations, demanding proof that I hadn't cheated each time. Like, I'm talking at least once a month average for almost two years. Though I couldn't prove that something didn't happen, there were always people willing to provide character references to reassure him that it was something that I wouldn't do. I did say to him that not every woman was like his ex-wife, and that I had also been cheated on and couldn't do that to someone else.

Even now that the relationship seems to be over, I can't imagine being with anyone else. It physically hurts.

Another fine video, thank you so much!

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