The 9 Stages of Covert Narcissist Recovery

The 9 Stages of Covert Narcissist Abuse Recovery: One Person’s Perspective (account de-personalized to protect the Narcissistic abuser): Please…



  • z z

    He is the most dishonest disgusting creature I have ever met… the things I thought I loved about him did not exist .. it was all me..I had to go get myself checked at my Dr 5 times in 3 years.. because he discarded me 9 times…. my gut told me I was dealing with sewer scum…. I was right….

  • z z

    He explained nothing… I made excuses for him in my mind out of stupidity…….
    he was a lie…. everything about him was a lie…he is miserable creature… I put my love trust n life in the hands of Satan…. an abuser….the only feelings I have left for him is disgust…. and vomit….

  • Frogger Lips

    I don’t know if I’m a covert narcissist or not. Most of my friends tell me I’m too giving and that I am naive, but I do always have my head in the clouds and am very self-critical. I am very stubborn, and when I have a belief I can be defensive at first when someone tells me differently. I have these high standards in my mind of succeeding and bettering myself but not for reasons that are common. Internally, I think it is to make my mom proud of me and to receive her validation. However, I contradict myself by not taking action. I thought it may have been ADHD but maybe it is just me.

    Would this be covert narcissism? I read on an article about alkaline water and its health benefits, so I tried to get my best friend to try it and change his diet to be more healthy. He is very insecure about his weight and constantly states he wants to change. I also have body image issues so I wanted us to improve together. He wasn’t into the whole alkaline water thing which made me upset because I wanted him to do it with me. I gave him articles and brought it up in convo to see if new evidence would change his mind. Now looking back I don’t know if that was because I wanted him to get better or because I wanted to him to do it with me. And he told me I make him feel guilty when he eats things that aren’t healthy. Like the other day he wanted to buy two packs of gummy worms and I told him that gummy worms are terrible for him and that he could use that same money for bananas. He used it to wash clothes and that made me happy. Now thinking I am confused as to whether or not that was something a good friend would do or should I have minded my business and let him get the gummy worms???

    If I am a covert narcissist how can I change? I’ve always thought of myself as a good person and someone who cares for others but if that isn’t reality and the opposite is really the case I want to make efforts now to be a better person. This is so scary because inside I’ve always felt selfish when others tell me I am far from it. Like when I lose a video game or something inside I feel sad and disappointed in myself for not being better than my opponent but outwardly I congratulate them for winning…. Is that normal??? Am I normal?

  • Axess2084

    I was friends with a covert narcissist. I fell deeply for her. I loved her as much as a friend could. She got me under her spell. I finally told her goodbye tonight. And I feel so FREE!!!! I couldn't feel more liberated and happy! She wrecked me at times during her control over me. I spent the whole month of December depressed and wistful. Not anymore! I'm done. I said goodbye. And I'm FREE! I couldn't be happier that I got MYSELF back! I am under my OWN control once again!

  • rosely covali

    People should see a covert narcissist IN ALL PEOPLE. The non-realist term as “COVERT NARCISSIST” makes you feel weaker than the narcissist. A narc “victim” is another label that puts YOU down.
    The fact is that you gave yourself it realistically and you learned a super good lesson to use now on!
    You gave away your power and this is a bad thing we could do to ourselves.
    Who hurts with a narc. needs to dissolve big amounts of ego because to your soul you just got a Gift!

  • Maria Stone

    Thank you Sun Lion ,
             I will put your encouragement to my "treasure  box"  for my next steps to learn about love..and recover to use it right way … …Yes tuff love is one of them ..and I feel that is all what I know most ….since that was practiced by my Dad whom I respect today more and more ..and resisting so much when he use it …not heard much "Love you " as I did after when I got married and heard it as hello as strange word ..what a first  looked I was never loved by my Dad …and was missing to hear those words …oh my how I learned what words means and good spirit what you do not hear and words what do not belong with  it can confuse us …….yes "tuff love" …better than smattering with words  "I love you"  and later stubbing into back …if we do not say what we "should" to their liking  to hear ….and feel like hypocrite …oh my how sensitive I am to that words "should"and "love you "
        I felt I have no place on this planet anymore …not easy to find that unconditional love what is actually in " giving and receiving " what I could not recognize anymore …and is so important to do so …when it  becomes equal  for positive outcome …and that is not in those   gifts to touch …..oh my you see what your music caused ….we never know when we get our answers I guess 🙂 ….and I  believe this is not coincidence ….
          Thank you again for helping me to  get that feeling  to close 'this chapter"  to have my last word:-)   …in peace ….:-)) .and not become obsessed …THANK YOU !!!
              now .. going to listen your message of 9 Stages of Covert Narcissist Recovery …I think I can hear the music much less now …. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 and am able to put it together much better ……maybe with outcome as you wished 🙂 ? For sure I am getting every time  something else out of …and for sure you helped me to  find that switch for that light bulb …to remember it as pivotal moment … to  change my outlook little … start to believe that  even slow learners with hard head as I am,  have place on this planet 🙂 🙂 and can  have peace sometimes …like …this time Thanks  to  you !!!With my best wishes to you ! Gathering positive energy from helping …(giving)  🙂 to have that right  strength to continue your way ! 🙂  Maria..

  • Maria Stone

    thank you again…Sun Lion ..
        I wonder if you meant about sentiment what you felt when you were listening to that music ?  and that what helped you to  put these thoughts together ? because for me …I do not hear that sentiment .. did not attached with that message … ..I guess  it stayed in the moment with you …:-((( .and that music is now  maybe nice to listen again alone ???   for me it is multitasking … and one distracts another … least for me …….I hear …( partly ) only music what would be nice to listen alone later ? YES nice choice 🙂 and I believe that was what helped  you to relax and put thought together as you did beautifully …for us … THANK YOU !!!
       )) I would not like to take that joy of that thought away from anybody with this message to you with my "complaint" …since both choices  are nice …
         …  again it is me ..:-( .and really I feel I am over staying my place now .. but I am not use to  ignore people if they give me time and respect    responding  ….thank you 
         So now I  have to respect myself  also finish …since it start to go into too much justifications …….. that we  agree to disagree …and .I would like to leave it if possible for you …there …… I do  understand …you tried best  … it is my problem now …maybe others even enjoy your message as it is …..and would not think what I came up with .. ?  I apologize …hopefully we both  and maybe others ??  can take this as good lesson …?? how to let things go … 🙂  I  am going to work on it … 🙂   I think I need that now …bye everybody …… and really wish you all best … going to do my inventory of my  hyper sensitivity that I took that liberty to bla  bla it ……. … Wish you peaceful sleep …going to work on my inventory  … 🙂   good night 🙂 and thank you for  your time sharing  very helpful message !!!I

  • Maria Stone

    +Sun Lion …Thank you for your time to give me respond to my comment !  It looks I was not clear enough ??? if you still think you need to accompany your nice voice with  distractions … So I  wonder why do you think you have accompany your  GOOD message and narrating with nice voice with any  tune or movie …  ?    YES you of course have your choice according your vision …..I  expressed  only my observation ..hope you take it  it was with good intentions 🙂 it is  good I  have choice too …:-)  so I will stop now … I would not like to pursue something what is really your choice …. ..and maybe others like it … Wish you all best and yes peace be with you also :- ) thank you again sincerely Maria …

  • Maria Stone

    the message starts so nice only with your voice .. and as I had patient to listen to it to certain point till I  got to conclusion that message is good enough and "HEAVY" to listen for victim without dramatization and noise in background … WHY ??? to try to get away from your message with such dramatization ?? it would be better to watch    black wall only with your voice what is much more comforting than to see …..such drama …  .. such dramatization we had and have enough drama without … least for me …less is more maybe you can do two shows .. one only as drama alone .. and one just your talk …?? but  again  thank you !!!

  • G Man

    Nailed it. Nailed it. Thank God for Youtube. I was led here the exact same way as the video described. Don't ever forget, in a covert narcissistic relationship, it is not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. They are wrong. They are unnatural.

  • Strongwind

    This story doesn’t seem to apply to my situation. I really didn’t see this at all in my case but the way he discarded me was very cruel and what you said at the end is word by word what happened to me. I’m still confused about what happened. He left me for a new person and blamed it all on me. After 16 yrs with this guy, my life was left in rubbles. I don’t know that I’ll ever recover? 😔


    It's what they do!!! It's only one of the things..sick and twisted…That they do!!! Dangerous?! Oh, yeah…but, if you are constantly on awares…Not crazy…Calmly aware…. They aren't getting ANYWHERE!! Put some fear in them! Throw the "BOX" out with the garbage or Out the window! " Hey, folks…thought it was trash" Yeah, I know…It is supply and now they feel great! That's once you identify the narc…By then you should be long gone…never to be found! Want to get out of it and they are threatening you/your children/your pets?!! IT IS 911 and Domestic Abuse Shelter! Yes, with you, your pets and kids….These Shelters take all of you!! So, you don't stay in the sick, twisted and dangerous narc abuse for fear of leaving your innocent ones behind!! THE SHELTER will immediately launch a full investigation of the home and everything/everyone in it…plus what/who you had to leave behind! Narc will wind up in custody!!!! REMEMBER…TWO things they fear…EXPOSURE and Abandonment….Biggest FEAR for them! You were just using the "Box" as an example in this video…we know….It involves anything..objects, others, experiences, whatever…. Good luck and fear no EVIL!!! Be safe and wise…plan your get away if you can…like a professional sneak!!

  • Jumping Jack

    The internet provides a steady stream of targets to bolsters their massive ego, they all like to juggle targets, each in a different stage of the relationship with the narc.
    Do not use online dating sites they do have multiple profiles on multiple sites, even when they are married. They have no loyalty or integrity they do not care even when children are involved they will continue a secret online life

  • Rachelle Keeney

    17 years of narc torture and abuse. I cannot believe the very soul it takes from you. Cannot fathom in coming out of this, that I have faired so well but it hurts like hell. I have just stomped this bug out of my life. The smart one's see you coming and run. Well, I'm running now. Pity your next victim.
    I am surprised to find there are so many of us who have fallen victim.
    >Hold your head high! There's nothing wrong with you! You have good head on your shoulders -Use it to better yourself! Do something nice for someone. It heals the cruelty the narc did to you.
    Peace to you.

  • John Adams

    wow, mine was a covert narc and everything you said from the way she acted up to and just before I had to walk away through the recovery stages is so deadon,with a couple minor exceptions. I would say stage 10 would be how you react if they hoover you ni the future when you may have to deal with them once you recovered and they try again

  • Gigi Smith

    spot on the power the narc has is that nobody can imagine a whole other human pathology is among us.
    We project our normal thinking onto others it works until you meet a narc, then you see that they project their deranged minds onto us. It is only by trying to understand then you find the truth about plausibly insane partners.
    There is no way to defend against this insanity it's all hidden in plain sight, preferred being without my new knowledge but it helps to know the truth.i view my narc with the pity he evoked, I see him in a secure unit lounging in a padded cell rather than as a valid human being he pretends to be.

  • Em J

    Inverted narcissism is not the same as covert narcissism, an inverted narcissist is like a "narcissistic co-dependant" who depends exclusively on other narcissists, to get supply. They express their own narcissism through other narcissists to avoid being accountable…kind of like an "enabler" A covert narcissist is closer to a sociopath or someone with borderline personality disorder, but are less grandiose and less impulsive and much more sadistic. They are so much more evil because they suppress it, and when the mask slips, it is more terrifying to witness. Their abuse is insidious, covert and they are never accountable because they wait for the opportune moment to metaphorically (or literally) knife you in the back. They are so manipulative and present themselves as victims, they also have a "messiah complex" think of themselves as "misunderstood geniuses" ….pathetic, really.

    But so, so traumatic if you fall in love with them and then have to face the truth when you finally realize who they are…

  • Paul Forrest

    You have to realise that we were targeted.. 20 years ago I was lonely and depressed..whilst making a good living by working hard
    I am a loving/ giving person
    20 years later I now sadly understand..But it's no easier after loving her the whole time and believing I was loved back.
    I truly pitty any victim
    It is possibly one of the worst things that can happen to a person
    It takes so much out of you .. and yet I still feel love for this callous person …how ?

  • C Vásquez

    Hello, thank you for posting this.
    I totally identify myself with this recovery, except that I'm still fighting divorce and the full custody of my kids.

    Do you have or can you provide the whole transcript of your video?

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