Just another day on that pesky little Love Island, wasn’t it?
The headlines this afternoon: The attractive people sat around and did some sunbathing, they snacked on Lidl goods, did some fighting and bitching, then had precisely two drinks each and called it a night.
As is the usual pattern, we were due a boring episode after the antics of previous nights, and that was certainly delivered during last night’s show.
Truly, nothing happened. You missed nothing. Give up. Put down your phone. Live your life.
If you’re still here, here’s six things that, at an absolute reach, you could’ve possibly maybe sort of missed.
1. Danny became the first islander to wash his grubby little personalised water bottle (not a euphemism)
Three weeks these islanders have been in the villa and only last night did we see someone washing their water bottle. Having done some (gasp) actual journalism by way of research, I found out that the personalised water bottles aren’t dishwasher safe. That means that the islanders haven’t been simply chucking their bottles in for an overnight blast of hygiene. No, they would have to hand wash the water receptacles and not once have we seen them resting on the draining board, because I’ve been looking. So with Yewande’s designated suitcase resting area on the carpet barely bounced back to full plump, Danny got to aggressively wash his personalised water bottle by hand. The other islanders are going to get bacteria infections, but sadly Danny won’t.
2. Lucie’s jam-to-bread ratio was fucking sociopathic
There’s going to come a point where we have to ask ourselves where we’re going to draw the line. The Love Island contestants end up being a colourful bunch every year, with a variety of different interests and varying degrees of respect for their lovers. But this year, in the year of our Lord 2019, the screening process has failed us. Not only are these contestants mostly quite boring, but now we’re learning that some of them, one in particular, has a sociopathic approach to jam. During the escalating drama between Danny and Amber last night, Lucie looked on as she tucked into a slice of bread smothered in jam. In fact, it was wholly too much jam. Look at it. It’s clumped on the top, beginning to drip over the sides. That is too much jam. Far, far too much jam.
3. Arabella’s elbow looks like a naked mole rat
Not really newsworthy, just important to point out that a woman who appears to have been sculpted by the gods isn’t immune to having a wrinkly elbow, just like the rest of us. It’s comforting, in a way. Knowing that although someone might be scientifically very good looking, they still can’t escape certain inevitabilities in life, such as having saggy elbow skin and bad breath in the morning, etc. Danny has chosen Arabella to be his coupled-up partner, but as Yewande warned before she left the villa “What goes around, comes around”, meaning that he will now have to learn the hard way that Yewande probably had nicer looking elbows than Arabella. Love is about sacrifice, but this one is going to be harder than most because elbow beauty is important.
4. Molly-Mae finally got revenge on Tommy for the Maura situation
It’s been a while since the whole thing went down, but Molly-Mae has allowed her rage to fester slowly and steadily. She didn’t kick off at the time, not to the fullest extent. Instead, Molly-Mae buried those feelings deep inside, simmering away on a low heat to avoid spilling over. But during last night’s Love Island, she exacted her revenge on Tommy’s wandering eye. She offered to pluck his eyebrows, the very task he asked her to do before his date with Maura. So Molly-Mae did a very bad job. She pulled skin rather than hair, causing Tommy to weep like a toddler who’s just learned that the Peppa Pig omnibus has been cancelled. He screamed, he cried, he winced in pain. Molly-Mae giggled the entire time because she is a straight savage. We stan.
5. Tom called for the use of VAR during the balloon popping task
Finally, at long last, two worlds collided as football and Love Island finally met and embraced with a tender kiss. Last night’s balloon popping challenge involved the couples thrusting their genitals towards each other with such velocity that it burst a balloon in one single move. The completion times between both sides were tight, with game masters Lucie and Anton having to make some tough calls. During a particularly close finish, Tom requested that they use VAR (video assistant referee) to determine the true winners, but everyone ignored him because they were all very horny at the time. It was a solid joke and deserved more credit. So this is that credit. Well done Tom. You said something funny. Your funny count is now on 1 (one).
6. Molly-Mae tried to do an impression of Tommy, which ended in a staggering rendition of the sarcastic SpongeBob meme
Molly-Mae was concerned that Tommy was heading up to the terrace to confide in Curtis about all the “bits” they’ve been doing together. She told Michael she knows what he’s like, then let out a Tommy-esque guffaw, teamed with a staggeringly good sarcastic SpongeBob face, possibly one of the best we’ve seen in quite some time. Even her posture, although sitting down, matched SpongeBob’s entire vibe perfectly. In the end, it transpired that Molly-Mae should’ve been worried about far worse than Tommy spilling the beans because he and Curtis had their very first kiss up on that cursed terrace. They are now likely to couple up at the next ceremony, leaving Molly-Mae and Amy to sit and be bitter about everything together. What fun! What a series! What a time to be alive!
Images via ITV