narcissist videos

Real Narcissists – Dangerous Narcissism

Real Narcissists – Dangerous Narcissism

How do you spot signs of danger at the start of a relationship? What are the different types of narcissism and what do they all have in common?

These are questions that come up so frequently I wanted to address them in a video. The answers may surprise you.

When most of us hear the word narcissism or narcissist, we envision vain, preening, braggarts who can’t stop talking about themselves. But most of the time, we’ve got it wrong; many narcissists aren’t driven by looks, fame, or money—some may even be shy or soft-spoken. The startling truth is we’ve been distracted by an empty stereotype that blinds us to far more reliable signs of danger—and an entire generation is suffering because of it.

To learn more about recovery and more easily spot even subtle narcissism at the start of a relationship, read my internationally acclaimed book, Rethinking Narcissism.




  • mysticpluck8

    I am retired and was in a relationship with an abusive narcissist. We were together only 6 months. I left him when I realized what was going on, but we are in a small remote town where I still have to have some contact with him. I keep my distance as much as I can. I struggle now with low self esteem and depression. Is it possible to have PTSD after such a short relationship?

  • Caroline Lala

    What if you are surrounded by narcissists? I grew up in a family of them, my mother, my older sister, I'm the scape goat, my younger sister the Golden Child and now her daughter, the new Golden Child. An abusive pedophiliac Step Grandfather, tons of denial, narcissism, then to years of narcissistic intimate relationships, friendships, where on earth do you go after working this all out? It seems like the world is full of these people and that once you are good at attracting them, you get the levels of them from the lower, to the mid-level, to the greater narcissist. I don't attract malignant narcissists any longer (thank god, to much work on my part) but there is next to nothing on Gas lighting other than people talking about the reference to the movie and calling someone mentally ill. Well that's not how it is, they put down, they give innuendos, they steal from you, the retell your history and other such things around you. I constantly get told what I used to like when I was a kid when I know what I liked but they tell half truths which could be mistaken for, or could be the way they experienced that history. If you could do a video or two on Gas Lighting, that would be very helpful because there are so many out there who don't understand it and need help fast because it's one of the worst places to be and at times worse than malignant narcissism which is obvious, the covert is most dangerous because you won't know what's happening until you are deep in it. I have been perusing much information and I find your examples and information the most clear. I'm also helping to work quash the people who throw that terminology around when they mean vain because to lessen the damage and pain the victim receives is damaging and should not demean their position. No, you can not trust a narcissist but sadly it seems at times they don't know who they are but they do know their traits but everything is viewed through a distorted lens.

  • Signe Maria Minsker

    " My dad"/ " my parents" were/ are psychaths. I dont write " believe" because I know they are/were. I am 40 and I have been abused to the point of disability and cant get free, neither physically ore emotionally. And I am constantly scared, cause I am constantly fightting death at the hands of my " background". And there really is no help in Dk.

  • Paula Dsilva

    your post on fb was actually the first I came across about a narsasistic… I knew I was in a pattern of something…I didnt know what ….. and I stayed with my abusive partner for another 2 years…till he discarded me for the 8th time 3 months ago…I'm still spinning out of control 😢😢😢

  • Michaela Doyle

    Socially speaking, I believe that extreme wealth or extreme poverty creates Narcissim.. The less we see of a middle class society with stronger value systems, the more we will see more of the 'isms' and codependency in society.

  • snoopy

    I found your video very informative. I know Narcissistic Personality Disorder is complex to understanding and there are many dynamics in that. For example, their way thinking and reasoning differ in a selfish unreasonable sense. I'm curious though in reference to the question "Can a narcissist love?" I read in a book that used Abraham Maslow's theory of hierarchy of needs to illustrate that people with NPD did not mature past the psychological needs level of belonging/love. That it was due to an inability to trust another and empathize as well? I have a passion for psychology but no degree. I am an INFJ-A and my life has been an experience of ecounters of people that exhibit traits of NPD, pyschopathy, BPD, & APD..etc… They all seemed to me, to be stuck on that level of personal development (belonging/love) and seem to lack in self esteem and self actualization? This is just something I thought maybe worthy of mention and interest in exploration? I would like to know what are your thoughts on this? I commend your efforts in educating society on this topic. I hope I used the appropriate wording here and that I don't sound offensive in any way, but more so interested in your perspective and feedback. Also, I think my older sibling (who I obeyed as a mother figure) maybe be covert community narcissistic but she seems so sweet to everyone except me, the baby of the family in which I often feel she sometimes envies my very birth. She invalidates my feelings, discredits my efforts, gaslights me, shames me and guilt trips me big time and she lies. But she seems subtle in these traits until the topic turns to money and family assets and control of that? That is when she flies into extreme rage and plays out these traits to the fullest but it seems she directs only towards me and plays the sweet angel person towards every one else? I am currently dealing with this with her as my inheritance has disappeared all of the sudden and as a trustee she can't comply or recall anything about it?

  • Karn

    My experience was with a malignant narcissist. He demonstrated both introvert and extrovert modes, depending on the situation. He reported quite marked social anxiety when he is not feeling comfortable in social situations, particularly when dealing with people that he is not famliar with and prefers to blend in to the background if possible. But when he is comfortable, he is quite different. I have the impression that the introvert/extrovert distinction is not fixed but fluid.

  • babloo1666

    I think I sort of have that covert thing at the end, recent got engaged and have had trouble connecting emotionally with my partner, I think it is because my mom was a narc, so I did not learn how to receive and give affection, and it is hard learning how to accept that you can receive affection, social isolation was my defense mechanism, insecure attachment mixed with neediness for emotional attention. I'm changing myself because I don't want to my partner to be miserable or my kids. I will have to learn how to receive and give affection, I can't use my defense of social isolation anymore. I may have picked up on some narc habits from my mom over the years as well, will have to watch myself so I don't repeat the cycle. We have arranged marriages from where I'm from, so this relationship just happened out of nowhere for me. Seeing her emotional freedom and healthy sense of self, and just her free spirit that comes with healthy parenting was so foreign to me it sent me into anxiety panic attacks. Because it was something I never got to experience myself, so this extreme surge of jealousy, anxiety, and panic just took me over, I never expected it to be this severe and pronounced, that I would be so jealous and disturbed by someone else's healthy and free outlook on life. I discovered my mom was a narc until about after college, I think sheerly by chance, I started to meditate more, maybe this helped me slow down and start to analyze my self and my environment. I had started to have major arguments over the phone with my to be wife, it was my bottled up desire for a healthy relationship escaping outwards all at once, since she was the first closest thing I had besides my narc mom, this pent up anxiety released on her. It was something I could not control, I also realized why this was happening to me, but the anxiety and panic was too strong for me to just bottle up again. It had to come out eventually if I were to actually get close to her. I explained it to her she half understood and half did not, I explained narcissist s to her and about my mom, she could not understand too well. But She said she would give me the love my mom could not, I told her she should leave me because I may not be right for her, but she said she did not want to. Raised by a narc mom affects sons just as much as daughters, I have developed trust issues as well because of my unloving relationship with my mom, though not as severe, a hint of paranoia will come about about being deserted or cheated on, that she will leave me for another, sometimes my brain has thinks I might lose her in some sort of natural calamity where we are separated by life and death. So foreign and unsure my psychology has become to positive intimate contact, contrasted to an intimate relationship with a narc mom. I will meditate more to help slow down my thinking and try to cure this uneasy existence. Have also developed a sort of OCD as well from the anxiety, will just have to meditate and meditate more. Will have to overcome it with sheer will power and inner meditation. I can only try and persevere with my own efforts, but the One will help me defeat this. Ego is the central enemy in my form of meditation.

  • Gila Cohen

    my question is acording all the video's i was listening, all the red flags all the singh all the testemony of peole with my experiance with my boyfriend he is defently a murcissist. if ill do a video and he will find out, he can go agains me ligally? i need an answer. thank you.

  • Presence

    Can you really trust a Narcissist? Hell no. Now, I know there's all these levels on the spectrum, supposedly. Psychology is famous for categorizing and complicating things. But if a woman with a narcissistic husband asked me, "should I give my cheating, lying husband another chance?" I'd say, 'you should sit down with a good person who knows the situation, and a therapist, and make a list of all the ways your husband has made you feel like shit.' Don't leave anything out. Now you have a clear picture- that's WHO he IS. So, should you trust that person to change? Most likely the answer is, hell no.

  • Blondehairedwarrior

    I’ve split up with my ex it’s been 4 weeks we were together for 6 years. It took me at least 8 months to figure this out. I have now identified all the signs of a covert narcissist. I felt bad for him in our relationship because he had PTSD from going to Iraq twice but I realized that’s not what was causing all the problems it was the narcissism. He was going to a therapist for just the PTSD and she decided he needed to go to the VA hospital and stop their visits because he wasn’t getting anywhere … do you think this is the truth? Would she have told him to go to a different therapist and she could do no more? What sucks about my situation is we are in LE and see each other at work every day so I try to do low contact if it’s work related but it’s very difficult ughh. 😔 I miss him and I still love him but I know all the facts now and i’ve finally excepted that he is a narcissist… he meets all nine traits.

  • Kyra Watkin

    The subtle narcissism is very difficult to recognize and very hard to escape. I have never felt so alone and dismissed, but it's hard to explain to anyone what exactly the problem is. It's a list of subtle manipulation tactics where somehow I am responsible for everything, the good and bad and not even sure how it got that way. Thank you for answering people's questions, this is very helpful and insightful.

  • Anita Roempke

    Dear Doc. I am highly sesitive, I remember I had to beg my mom for hugs, she was generally a loving person, but I felt a sort of ake in my heart that I needed to sitting and embracing for a while and she had a hard time to do that, how would you define that, and now I experience the same thing with my sister, whom I love very much, but when I open my heart she seems like confused and says she works a lot?`????? How many seconds do you need to touch each others hands or hug, what's failing???????

  • Osama Jumean

    This is my first comment , I never even watched U tube ever , I have been a victim of a Narcissistic brother ..for 15 years now,..I began to notice this thing that I had no name for but a behaviour only aimed at me..He’s an Olympian ,he’s gorgeous physically ,and extremely successful at his work self made Billionaire,A-list friends …..I approached my mother 7 years ago after so many approached
    Me saying OMG IS YOUR BROTHER JELOUS OF YOU …my mom went to a rage insulting me .an architect , an Ivy League graduate ,and a Nyc socialite .who owned and self ran a million dollar practice
    And after 20 years….I had to close doors after a behaviour of the past year where I gave away my belongings and seriously began a very meticulously road plan to my what I like to call
    A forced homocide be executed on Facebook to get the message across I did not commit sucide
    A fiend I have not seen in ten years reconnected and sent me a clip. I was transformed
    I could not believe this is a real thing ……the magic word was not jealousy but ENVY ..GASLIGHTING IS THERE AN AWARD HE SHOULD GET IT , ADD LOVE BOMBING , AND PROJECTION

  • The Green Queen

    There’s so much life-changing information here. Near the end, at 27:35 “Are they capable of love?” THIS IS KEY. If you’re struggling to get away from this person due to family ties or safety concerns, this is what you need to internalize. A true malignant narcissist does not love, will not love, and will not ever change. Anything they’ve said or done to try to convince you otherwise is just them playing you for the fool. You need to get away, quietly and quickly as possible. Don’t try to reason with them or others. Climb to safety first.

  • Deborah TruthSeeker

    The narcissist in my home is an extremely dangerous TRANSIENT who refuses to leave, and threatens me daily. He becomes quite violent, and is pure EVIL!!! The local police are such a sick joke. They are telling me, a disabled homeowner without transportation, to leave my own home, and pets behind, instead of THEM doing their JOB of removing this dangerous black transient from my home. I cannot afford an attorney, and have been victimized in every way, shape, and form.

  • Free Thinking Agent

    I've been diagnosed with cptsd and dissociative disorder. I seem to be a magnet to NPD types. My current partner is a very covert narcissist and tells me constantly that I'm the crazy one. I don't know how to get away because children are involved and she has told me I will never see them again if I leave. She has in the past even convinced therapist that I'm the abusive one, I don't have friends, the ones I did have were driven away and now believe I am a very disturbed person. I don't make friends easily anyway, although most people believe me to be an extrovert I am very introverted and guarded. I am an INFJ personality type, and I'm with my fifth therapist, all others have abandoned me once I finally opened up with them after a year or so and they realized the depth of my pain and numerous traumas, and one unlucky therapist triggering a disassociation during therapy. I am reluctant now to be open with my new therapist and have them run away in fear. I have thought about suicide daily for 6 years now, i fear one day the voices in my head will win.

  • bryceanwhimsey

    I've just listened to several of your videos, and I'm hoping you can comment on or clarify this: My girlfriend is a pretty close match to a lot of the traits and behaviors of introverted narcissism as you describe it, and not that far off from others. However, there's a very serious gulf when it comes to not admitting to sadness, upset, etc. Quite the contrary; she often speaks most vociferously about how awful she feels when she's in distress. I find that her reactions and descriptions can be inordinate and inappropriate, and her monologues about them can often serve as a warning sign that trouble is a-brewing for later in the day. Can this be part of narcissism, or is there a separate phenomenon at work?

  • JD Jones

    This is the first I've heard that denial is a strong indicator of narcissism. This is the quality that made my mother such a toxic influence. I had to constantly struggle to see reality with some measure of objectivity when I was growing up. It was exhausting. My mother was extremely aggressive about her determination of what was true and real. She hated my mind .

  • Jake Pittman

    Could early warning signs include chronic boredom and restlessness? My ex partner had no capacity to relax and just "be" if that makes sense? I felt like I was constantly regulating her emotional state when were together. Where the wheels would really come off though is when we were apart. I'd get text messages where there was no eight answer and the lack of a timely response was in of itself a wrong answer. Like a trap so to speak. I could see it winding winding up but there was no getting around it. She was going down the rabbit hole come hell or high water and I was going with or getting dumped. Sometimes both

  • Ann Ingham

    I take issue with the concept of introverted narcissism. Introversion is partly about getting your energy from inside yourself. Which means the person needs to be able to do that. The narcissist gets their needs met by others because they are absolutely not OK in or by themselves. I don't think using the words extrovert or introvert is helpful in this definition as t is confusing two very different psychological mechanisms.

  • Debra Anchante

    Now I really am afraid.. I believe my narc is a psychopath. He is abusive in every way possible. He is in complete denial. He doesn’t seem to need anyone’s approval.. he’s his own approval committee. He lies and is secretive. He gaslights and plays mind games. He gives the silent treatment and ghosts. He told me he has never loved anyone or anything. He’s been cruel to our cats.. he withholds affection and sex for months on end.. even then the affection or sex had no intimacy.. I cannot get close to him and bond with him. Does this sound like a psychopath? I’m afraid.. please help me.

  • Dr Drew

    Thanks for the post. The semantics here is a bit like "the tail wagging the dog". Our temperament, using your example, "extroversion or introversion", plus phenotype, and now epigenetic change is what differentiates all people. Moreover, your reference to addictive disease resonates, as its etiology is genotypical. Simply stated, Dopamine Deficit + Environmental provocation increases the risk for Addiction. I now understand your struggle with the word "covert". For me it's less troubling. Covert means to do secretively. But temperament and a multitude of environmental variants demands that we understand the many manifestations of Narcs spectrum. Your wonderful description of communal—a pro social and overly helpful person, becomes a narcs trait, when its motivation is narcissistic supply, by definition it is "exploitive". In my view and experience one can be communal and covert, regardless of temperament, in that he or she, also takes covert supply, in a manner that is destructive within a publicly declared committed relationship e.g., covertly flirting, affairs, seeking subtle sexual attention, and feeling entitled in doing so. Lying and manipulation of one's significant other is where the greatest damage is done, especially when he/she is caught or fears being publicly exposed. More sophisticated defense mechanisms such as "projection" and "reaction formation" are effective toward discrediting the confronter. Worse the subtle attacks and smear campaign of one's "soul mate" to friends and family reveals a pathological lack of "empathy" of this individual. I see a subtype that is communal and covert, particularly among attractive women. I believe that this is risk factor, in that they receive so much attention for how they look. I hope you consider blogging about the attractive female, communal type.
    Thanks all you great work on this poorly understood disorder.

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