narcissist videos

Profiling the Dismissive Avoidant: 37 Common Traits of the DA!



OCTOBER 2nd 2019 LAUNCH: FOR EARLY BIRD DISCOUNT AND 2X PER WEEK LIVE WEBINAR/GROUP COACHING: https://personaldevelopmentschool.mykajabi.com/pre-sale-landing-page

source

43 Comments

  • sassy shawna

    Ok i just love your videos the only problem im having is I have no idea why i cannot figure out what i am, because everytime i think I'm one of them you start talking about another and I'm convinced that one is me.. please tell me I'm not alone in this? I have been watching these videos and I'm very intrigued but is it possible I'm all of these?

  • Kita Roque

    getting involved in a fantasy word that ends in tragedy. . .yeah – that was me as a kid. i still get very involved in fictional worlds though, but it seriously helps me to destress and gives me a 'personality boost' (for lack of a better term) that helps me actually deal with whatever is bothering me in the real world.

  • Denise O'Donnell

    Type 7 is the generalist, the multitasker, and prone to addiction and hyperactivity withoit taking the time to look inward. Type 4 is more indicative of the dismissive avoidant, especially average to unhealthy. Fours related ambivalently to both parents and retreat to their fantasy world when feeling stress.

  • King CDD

    I find your videos about DA to be the most accurate for me personally – and I do look at EVERYTHING on YouTube. I'm a 5. Think I'm a 5w6. And tritype is either 549 or 594 (triple withdrawn in any case). I've diagnosed myself as having Concentration Deficit Disorder. But I've diagnosed CDD as actually being nothing more than an emotional disorder; certainly for me at least! 

    The greatest gauge for my CDD is my emotional state. It is like 100%, black & white, night & day…. I am so guilty of describing what I think when asked to explain what I feel. It has taken years to even know what people are asking me to do. And now that I do know, I'm really not much better. I go blank and dissociate just trying to notice emotions. But when I have those extremely rare moments of absolute emotional intelligence, my CDD vanishes altogether. 

    I used art to express what I experience, drawing a picture of my inner child reaching up and grabbing onto a thought bubble 💭 of mine, shaking it, jumbling up what would otherwise be clear, concise information. 

    So I have come to a pretty firm conclusion that to deal with my CDD, I need to deal with my Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Disorder. And the greatest, most useful insight into dealing with DAAD to date comes from learning about Emotophobia (not to be confused with Emetophobia)! 

    Unfortunately Emotophobia seems to be the best kept secret in YouTube. I'd love to see you do a video about Emotophobia, please!

  • Grace Lewis

    I feel validated hearing all of these things. (Woah, a feeling! 😉 ) I've had to learn a LOT about feelings, which is why I can do that – I've made it a habit to, but it's still a conscious decision, never something that happens automatically. Which seems to make life really hard since the rest of the attachment styles seem to really need emotion in order to want to actually get close to us, while it scares the crap out of us. I'd be curious to hear if there's some kind of estimate on the percentage of different attachment styles – certainly in the kinds of groups I'm in for healing childhood abuse and neglect, we'd probably be like 90% dismissive avoidant. Which makes me wonder and think maybe I should prioritize socializing with other groups more, even if it is just online. (Which is a lot easier for me.)

  • ShinFuYux

    Where does the line get drawn when they are this way? Like, if a person who acts this certain way, does that mean they are living an "unhealthy life"? My ex was literally everything you described in this video and I kept wondering to myself "well, she clearly seems to be okay with this way of thinking", should I just "accept that this is the way she is" or should I constantly "point out that she's doing this and it's triggering a shit load of emotions in me because of it"? I know I can't force her to change but I just wish she made herself aware what she did made our lives more difficult. I kept telling her about this attachment style and she just brushed it off by saying "I guess that's me. Oh well. Moving on." It's like, those dumb facebook quotes "love me or hate me, but I am who I am." So, again, is this character trait something one must just accept and adapt?

  • Maddi Dee

    Wow – so spot on- esp around relationships and opening up to someone that is at a distance or it can’t really work out with… was married to my DA and together 9yrs- he met someone from the other side of the country and they wrote each other constantly- he was able to open up to her about how he was feeling but not me… then he left 8wks later without doing any work to improve how he felt about our relationship… just left and blew up our family… now has his life filled with his solo pursuits and work- has avoided fallout and dealing with the emotions (for him and me) as much as possible…

  • Summer

    My DA has been seeing me since our break for a year, but only at his house and just a few times a month. He has been a little more open lately so in a text I suggested we do something different, possibly outside the house- he’s now completely shut down and he’s ghosted me for a week. I’m not sure if he felt criticized and overwhelmed or he just knew he doesn’t want to do that w me. I’ve tried so hard to be patient with him and he’s hurting me so much leaving me hanging. Thoughts?

  • C Truth

    When people ask "how do you feel"(I always feel like shit). But I always say "good," because I KNOW that theres NO POINT in telling them how I feel. It won't change anything, it'll just lead to an awkward conversation.

  • Tulop

    I had fantasy worlds to meet my needs, or I created this entire world. Actually it was because it was hard to talk about my life so I adlibbed it…. oh gosh the quantifying thing sounds like something i do, I categorize things, like different types of mad….the unable to make a plan a year later cuz you wont know how you feel…. gosh dang that also sounds like me…I am also sassy… i'm a 5w6. I value my freedom, and in a way I fear commitment because I am ocd.

  • MissEllenMartin

    Thank you for the video. I was wondering if you could point the Blue Yeti in the right direction, so that it picks up your voice. I have trouble understanding what you are saying unforturnately. You can also see if you have it on the right setting. Some microphones only pick up sound from the sides, others only from the ‘tip’ and protruding forward from that tip point.

  • King CDD

    While there's a fair bit that isn't true for me I'm reasonably sure that my style is Dismissive.

    One thing that I think I deal pretty well with is criticism. HOWEVER, I suppose that it often looks extremely much like that's not the case. To me criticism is merely factual information and I know I'm not perfect. In fact I can easily get excited about doing better through genuinely constructive criticism. It is only that criticism is too often delivered with CONFLICT/ABUSE, unfortunately. NEGATIVE EMOTIONS is what I AVOID.

    What's your experience?

  • Summer

    Thais Gibson – you seem like you would be AMAZING and so patient and gracious with a DA. I’m still learning and falling back a lot of days w my DA. As an anxious, it’s not easy to always show that kind of grace. Thx for all the tips and empathy you demonstrate. 💗

  • pyo some more

    i do value freedom very much. I have left so many friend groups bec of that— i’d rather be alone than go places/do things i dont want to go/do. when im alone, its a pretty liberating feeling, i dont have to wait for anybody. I find it exhausting to accommodate other people

  • Bricks & feathers

    @Thais Gibson: is it common for people with a dismissive avoidant style to believe they have told you something when they haven't?

    I've had DAs react with anger/irritation that I did something they didn't like or crossed one of their boundaries AND act as if they had told me this was one of their boundaries, yet they NEVER had.

    I'm wondering if this is another commonality…

  • Laura Kraman

    This has been extremely informative. My ex doesn't know he has this attachment style but I used to playfully tease him when I could tell he was irritated by my presence. I knew I had overstayed my welcome and needed to go home.

  • Summer

    Thais or anyone…What is the DA feeling in that frozen state? My ex DA was expressive when we were together (he said for the first time ever), but since our break almost 2 years ago has been frozen, shut down and depressed. He’s a severe DA w all the DA traits- distrustful, logical, homebody w creature comforts, views expression as “drama,” etc. After our break we began to see each other a few times a month, but he was still frozen and depressed – he won’t move on w anyone else, but he also won’t move on with me. When I recently suggested doing something different and seeing each other outside of his house next time- he completely ghosted me. It’s been a week. I don’t know if he felt criticized or just knew he didn’t want to do anything more with me. I’ve texted three times and called. He finally responded “I need to keep things simple.” What does the DA feel when triggered? Do they feel at all? Do they have ever unfreeze? I didn’t want to walk away from him, but I don’t know what to do at this point? 😔

  • P Martin

    I just feel very confused. I mostly think my partner is dismissive avoidant but sometimes he will open up. I feel confused. I don’t know whether he’s into our relationship or not or how important it is to him and I tend to run. I’m scared and confused. Scared that I’ve messed something up even though I didn’t do anything. I don’t have any friends who are supportive of our relationship and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it so here I am.

  • C Niz

    I decided to post my reply to Linda in general comments and I do hope my openness can encourage partners…one thing that is helping me is that I had to just come to grips with accepting who he is, with love, the key word being with love, and patience. When he says something off the wall to me that’s just an outward expression of his attachment style, my initial reaction may to do just that react, gasp, freeze in wtfness while I digest whatever he just blurted out, but once I breathe I remind myself that closeness and proximity and progress and maturing is a process in any growing relationship. And I always tell myself we have time, so I don’t have to rush the pressure on him to just stop being the way he has been probably most of all of his life. I hate saying “came to grips with”, bec it makes it sound like some depressing acceptance but instead I know yes he is quirky and he always says, “I told you, I’m very direct” or “I’m probably more direct than the average person.” But I also have my quirks and have worked on my own anxious attachment style after a difficult relationship where I came in as secured. So with this new one, it helps to remind myself I also am a work in progress trying to get back to secure and how patient he has been considering his attachment style towards me. When I remind myself of these things and that his own fears may manifest in his unique ways too, I tend to lean away from the normal reflex reaction and just think through it and I remember he is trying in his own way, and sometimes it’s his way of signaling he needs dismissive avoidant typical space. And then I focus on the more positive aspects of him. For example, I called him at work and he made a very obnoxious remark about a colleague not liking it when any “girls” call him at work. It got worse and he remarked that this colleague was the same who told me to “shut up” the last time I called him at work. My initial reaction was to reach through the phone and slap him “figuratively” we joke about this, 😂 how often I want to slap him, and he always says “slapping is not nice”, but instead I sat quiet on the phone and let the reactive mode pass. I didn’t need to snap, he could probably sense the reaction and awkwardness. Then he said several seconds later , “I’ll call you back.” So he wanted to let me know I was going to annoy him and his coworker by calling him there even though he didn’t tell me of his schedule changes. I think with dismissives one thing I have learned from him is to pick my battles. He can be quite obnoxious and sometimes inconsiderate and it’s NOT about me and that has been freeing for me but there is a whole other side to him/them that is so completely loving and affectionate. There was one time honestly I cried on his machine about a personal situation and how him being silent sometimes when he is processing his emotions was making the situation worse. After a while he never responded to me crying about it but he had a 180 or I should say maybe a 150 turn haha. I decided not to discuss the voicemails and my tears and just accept the good that he heard how I felt and shifted his tendency quite a bit to become cold or silent towards me when upset about something or unable to process his emotion. What I find is his ability to empathize is huge but it comes out in some ways like when we are together. He is incredibly warm, embracing and he will hug and hold me over and over. Not so much the same on the phone or via text/chat. So I truly believe in accepting the good and building on that not his bluntness or harshness bec I believe deep down he feels incredibly deeply and Thais’ assessment is spot on. I’m honestly enjoying our getting closer and seeing each other bec it is forcing us to take our time and for the first time for me it feels really good, much better to take things at a slower pace bec he needs that and maybe we do to who lean to anxious attachments. Also compromise has been amazing to play with between us. I also try to focus on us “playing together” approaching him moreso with a level of comfort of an old friend. It takes away the tendency to be too intense. I like to think of playing in the sandbox with him. Just playing and so we joke and we laugh and it helps tremendously. I ignore a lot of what he says sometimes when the dismissive bluntness regarding pushing away the closeness arises and now I just give the space vs taking it personal, but it took time for me to understand thanks to Thais and others. When we first started talking he would literally say things to me like “I’m actually not interested and never really was.” Then a few minutes later, “so are we going to dinner tonight” followed by him initiating wrapping his arms around me and kissing me telling me complimentary things. And sometimes I’ll humor him and say ok well I guess you don’t like me so whatever…then he would say, “ well maybe I will really like you!” “No I don’t think you will of don’t now!” And he says “hey…are you telling me what to do?!” ☺️ so sometimes turning the “things dismissives day” into something fun…again playing together in the sandbox…helps a ton and takes the seeming pressure off of them when it comes to growing a new connection, relationship or new commitment. At the core is maybe fear so redirecting has helped a ton for us both. And actually it has really calmed my anxieties from my past situation and how that was coming out towards him… grounding and breathing helps bec panic is only fear made physical in the body. I’m enjoying the journey so I hope it can encourage someone to just be patient if it’s worth it to you. It’s been 2 yrs now of us taking baby steps sometimes two steps back and one forward but that’s the way it goes with dismissives and anxious attachment styles and I think as we learn and grow it is possible to acquire more securely attached qualities whether from a past trauma, upbringing or fear of the unknown

Leave a Reply