narcissist videos

Nine Signs of the Narcissistic Mother | Mother-Daughter Relationships



This video answers the question: What are the characteristics of a narcissistic mother in the context of a mother daughter relationship? Can narcissistic mother cause narcissism in her daughter? This video features nine signs of a narcissistic mother as well as a look at parenting styles and the consequences of having a narcissistic mother.

Nine signs of a narcissistic mother:
1. changing a topic of discussion to themselves
2. competing with the daughter
3. making a daughter feel as if she is a burden
4. failing to protect the daughter
5. emotional unavailability
6. controlling and manipulative
7. expecting credit for raising the daughter
8. conditional approval and love
9. boundary violations
Cramer, P. (2015). Adolescent parenting, identification, and maladaptive narcissism. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 32(4), 559–579.
When your mother’s a narcissist. By: McKinnell, Julia, Maclean’s, 00249262, 11/3/2008, Vol. 121, Issue 43

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201802/daughters-narcissistic-mothers

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201311/the-narcissistic-mother

Narcissism:

There are two types of narcissism: With grandiose narcissism we see characteristics like being extroverted, socially bold, self-confident, having a superficial charm, being resistant to criticism, and being callous and unemotional. Vulnerable narcissism is characterized by shame, anger, aggression, hypersensitivity, a tendency to be introverted, defensive, avoidant, anxious, depressed, socially awkward, and shy.

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44 Comments

  • iamlight

    Amazing video, Dr. Grande. Especially at explaining that, even after terminating contact, the effects may remain and thus why seeking counseling may be helpful to heal. Yes, I did believe what my mother tried to instill in my head (unfortunately, somehow I internalized it). Over time, those effects are being healed. Thank you.

  • velvetulipe

    I could relate so much of what you were saying in this video. I have to say I'm still confused and concerned about the transmission of narcissism from parent to child. I'm adopted, so I've always wondered how much of this behavior is transmitted by imitation (learned behaviour). It is one of the reasons why I decided not to have children, I'm to scared to induce anything bad I have been raised with. I have gone no contact, it's not as hard to live with the loss of speaking with my mother, I feel I can finally breathe… but really hard with how little I have contact with my father now.
    Anyways… thank you again for such a great video. It really helps a lot.

  • Terri Taylor

    Thank you again Dr Grande for your professional insights into this painful, destructive, mindset, I am 59 yrs trying to overcome my narc mother’s manipulative criticism of me, I wish I could turn the tapes off in my head.
    Thank you, love your videos, 😊

  • nicole stewart

    Very interesting! Its true you can distance your self from your mum. I have something to add….. You can love your family but you don't have to like them or Thier behaviour. I choose to remove myself from the drama as it makes my mental health suffer too much being in contact with them. I don't wanna play Thier stupid game of " let's destroy her"

  • hazel brown

    Yes, this confirms what I'd already worked out about my overt narc mothers. I had PTSD type symptoms for years after getting away from her and even now I am still not a fully functioning adult. She made me believe that I wasn't good enough for a cleaning job and until I met my husband I thought that was true. However, I went on to complete a degree and now have a good career, big house, car etc, but not due to any input from my parents. Anyway, I didn't invite my parents to my graduation. I didn't see why I should as they had no hand in my achievement.

  • Cristina Magurean

    Thank you, dr. Grande. I could relate to every word you said in this video. It is very painful to have a narcissistic mother and it is especially hard when you have no idea about this and you just go on thinking that you are a "bad daughter" that is not able to make this essential relationship work. My mother is now in my care and I find it very difficult to care for a person who was so destructive for me all my life. That is exactly why your knowledge and professionalism matters so much to me. Now that I know the real situation I try to get out of the victim mentality and just be a relatively happy mother, grandmother, and wife. I have to say that sport, yoga, and meditation helps me a lot. Thank you for your work, it is immensely appreciated!

  • meh

    Mom says she hates me because I failed my first college year when my depression hit rock bottom, I paused my education to work in another country so I could earn and save money to pay college and as such I didn't finish my Masters in a five year time like her friend's children. Therefore she can't brag about me

    When I tried saying that I was disappointed as well, she said she was hurting more than me and I couldn't compare my depression to hers that I struggled in college.
    Meanwhile she's still to finish her Bachelor's, although she says that's my fault as well because she was sacrificing her dreams to fulfill mine

  • Luciana Penha

    Dr Grande, I will be happy if you could talk about narcissistic and the people that they convence to help them, and how they put all in their spider web. The sister of my husband is narcissistic or psychopath and the mother can not accept and she is always helping her. How can you go out of this when you have a case in your family?

  • Alpana Ghosh

    Grand salute to you,Doctor. At this middle age,all on a sudden, I have come to realize the life itself for your priceless videos. You are the best friend of those who never got any support from anywhere,after being victimized for years at the hands of their so called relatives. May Lord bless you forever !

  • Henriëtte van Dam

    After my mother died i realized she was a narcissistic mother. All things came to place. I felt relieved. And at the same time guilty of thinking that way. Now four years later i m in therapy and things getting better. I always believed my morther. She was the victim and i was there to protect and help her. When i was a young child she bullied me and called me names. She encouraged the rest of the family to do the same. She used my father to punish us so we kept quiet for a time. Now i know better. She said she had a hard live always complaining. It was always about her. When i talked about my own problems within a minute the conversation was about her after my father died she claimed me. I had to solve all her problems even when i got seriously ill. She had a crip on me untill the moment she passed away. It infected my whole life.
    relations everything. Nobody was good enough even my children she was the best. . So sad for her… At the end she had a drinking problem and nobody loves her anymore..

  • Lovy

    It would be interesting to study how same sex parents and their parenting styles would relate to narcissism in their children. It seems counter-intuative that two mothers couldn't have a grandiose narcissistic child, or two fathers could not have a vounerable one…

  • SofiaBayo

    Thank you. My mother has 8 of these. I made the decision to end the relationship with her, when i started setting boundaries. I had to deal with tempertantrums, gaslighting and violation of these boundaries, even though i had told her what they are over and over again. I realised that i could not heal with her in my life. I was trying to make sence out of it in therapy, and at the point where i decided to break the contact, because she kept on trying to convince me that she only wanted the best for me, she lashed out on my clinic, because they had turned me ahainst her.

    It was impossible for me to process and think clear, with her in my life, so i do agree on that the relationsship continous, even though she is not present in my life. But the orocess of sorting it all out, is so much less confusing and easy, without her trying to manipulate me out of my insights.

  • Boxing Clever

    Relationship ended by mother; her suicide. But the seeds were sewn by overt narcissist grandmother from whose family, three sons and a daughter married narcissists. Two of those adults lives ended in suicide, a third attempted suicide having married a second Narcissist after the first committed suicide. A narcissist grandson died of suicide also. It would be interesting to see you address how narcissism can infect and wreak havoc among many generations of one family.

  • John Paul

    After watching the relationship between my narcissistic mother and my narcissistic half-sister, I've watched the relationship between my narcissistic half-sister and my niece. My niece still doesn't realize what's happening between her and her mother, but she seems to have escaped the worst effects of our family legacy of narcissism; there's plenty of the "real person" in her. It's sad to watch these troubles pass from generation to generation.

  • Dennell

    Thank you, Dr. Grande for this informative video. I definitely resonated with this video as my mother tried to compete with me, especially when I started dating. My mother actually tried to get my boyfriend to be interested in her and when that did not happen, she became resentful towards him. I noticed as early as 8 years old that my mother did not appear to be your “normal” loving, caring, type mother as I have compared her against other mothers. My mother has a covert narcissist style about herself. She was never nurturing, caring, or thoughtful. She was extremely authoritative and controlling. There was never no explanation of why she would tell you to something, you just had to do it because she said so. There always appeared to be this expectation of “knowing” – meaning that she would never explain anything but expected for you to know and if you didn’t you would be called, stupid. That was my mother’s favorite word. My brother told me that for a while he used to believe his name was stupid because that is what my mother called him all the time instead of his birth name. I went no contact (NC) when I was 23 years old and at the time. I still wasn’t sure exactly what I was dealing with but after research and reading about narcissism. I’ve learned that I had been dealing with a narcissistic mother. I also learned that both siblings are flying monkeys and they help protect her and in many ways have tried to create problems for me. Thanks again for posting this video!

  • fran mellor

    It really is therapy for people on this forum being supportive and bolstering each other up this subject as created a force for good truly heartwarming this one ..it certainly is good to talk to each other about their different experiences ,hope everybody can live the best life they can,they sure do deserve nothing but the best under the circumstances

  • Jon B

    I see on research gate that you have done some work on research into juvenile offenders… and differences in personailty disorders by gender in incarcerated juvenile populations…
    I wondered early on in your videos if you have worked closely with the justice system… something showed me a tint of that in your psychological explanative scenarios. I was pleased to have been correct when last night I looked at papers on research gate with you name on them.
    Wondering if you are familiar with Dr. Shad Maruna and his work on the psychological effects of personal narratives on the desistence and persistence of criminality?
    I was diagnosed with aspd incarcerated…
    Then… when i was released… I visited a neuropsychiatrist… I was tested in depth… and that diagnosis was removed.
    I have asked and deleted a few times if you would do a video on aspd in incarcerated individuals… and what came first… the aspd or the incarceration. Having been inside, I have witnessed a capricious and arbitrary blanket diagnosis of aspd… and I am wondering if you would agree that there has to be a more stringent and in depth requirement for qualifying as having this disorder? The stigma this disorder creates has created an incredible road block for those trying to reintegrate…
    In regard to proper mental health counseling and medical care…
    As well as vocational rehabilitation…
    As you well know… a diagnosis can taint the perception by which a patient is viewed in an institutional setting… (rosenhal, d.l. 1973).
    What are your thoughts on the quagmire of mental health and punitive corrections?

  • Chasidah *TheFineArtOfWalkingPoint Fried

    I had the indifferent style.
    I am not at all narcissistic.
    I thank God for this daily.
    (My normal grandmother raised me. )It may be that My grandmother worked and my grandfather spoke 8 languages and taught Math and Science in the New York High School system (he didn't make that much in the 1950s). So I think her narcissism was from her perception of "not enough attention"…She ultimately abandoned the family and remarried after a divorce. I have spent my life in the helping professions and have empathy and am happy.
    I don't place much value on her input on my life and everything you said a out the inattentive model rings true. I never had the suffering that others have because I was closer to my father (who died when I was 7 ) so she never had the connection to me that had enough power to hurt me. I thank God for this as well.
    However, I do have a warped sense of humor but I think most firefighter -paramedics and police..share a gallows humor…😉 #kudostoyou

  • Pearly Q

    All your videos I love, but this, my friend, is possibly the most absolutely unique and fascinating video of them all. A very, very, unique and interesting perspective. Great, creative approach. Thank you.

  • Keith Friedrich

    This describes my adopted mother very well. Just about every single point. Luckily for me, and unfortunately for her, my twin sister (both of us were adopted) received the brunt of this type of treatment. There was so much manipulation, physical, verbal, and emotional abuse growing up. So much projection, shaming and even molestation that occured in our house. I think a big part of the damage done to me was that my adopted father was present for it all but he took a complete back seat to raising us. He was a huge enabler and a complete ghost besides joining in on the physical abuse from time to time. The two of us already had abandonment issues from moving around to so many homes from ages 1-3. Shortly after running from the house around age 17, my sister had a psychotic break and was admitted to a psych ward where she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

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