Narcissists Seek Transactions, Not Relationships

Narcissists do not approach you with the goal of knowing you at the heart level. To them, you have a function to fill, that’s it. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter highlights the difference between engaging with others as a transaction versus connecting with others in true relationship.

Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many seminars and workshops.

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While Dr. Carter does not conduct online counseling, he has vetted a group who can assist:

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Comments (34)

This video is so helpful, as I have zero reference base for seeing people this way. Thank you. 9:50: This realization left me reeling but it was this admission from my narc family member that broke my understanding of the situation wide open and helped me see the big picture. Ultimately, it set me on the road to healing. It's been good, but I'm not going to lie, it's hard. It's hard to not spiral down my patterns of "what did I do?" and "Why am I hated so much?" I have to remember that this is not about me, that they are in pain, and they are choosing to not take action to own their stuff and get to a healthy place.

That spitting creep sounded like my father…he’s dead now 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

You just summed up the lifelong struggle with my mother. I never could understand why it was this way no matter how hard I try to honor her. Thank you, Dr Carter. You have helped me to finally realize that it’s futile to think that I will ever be able to have a normal mother/daughter relationship with her the way I do with my own grown girls. My spirit has been crushed long enough. At least now I can move on and stop banging my head against that wall. God bless you for helping so many figure out how to deal with this heartache.

I love your vídeos and how they fit in the circunstances that we face dealing with narcissists, thanks a Lot.

Thank you Dr Carter… Great video!!! Hi Gus 🖐️.

Wow! That is so true! I was just a maid and slave to his every whim. When I was ill and recuperating from surgery he was so inconvenienced to say the least. He was such a big baby when he was sick though.

Yup, Blame, Shame, And Invalidation!!!

There is this old saying… “birds of feather flock together”! Many would disagree, but when two narcissist can align their goals a long term marriage is a possibility. I am still awaiting someone to address this unlikely phenomenon!

'I invested sooo much in you!' my ex said when I tried to express my hurt feelings by her abusive words.

Narcissists take. They are incredibly selfish. They only care about themselves and don't give a dam about you.

They must be some very busy people

i do it Gods way.Non romantic relationship.Ifind out what there about.

What do you do when your son is married to a narcissist and she is isolating him from family & friends . Isolating and controlling your grandkids. In fact turning him into her flying monkey. Taking the relationship you thought you had with her into nightmare?

Brilliant, thank you Dr Carter and I think it says something about your character that you work with the lady who is a narc survivor with no formal qualifications, a lot of doctors regard themselves as superior, which is ironically narcissistic.
Best wishes, merry Christmas and God bless,

Oh this is so spot on!!!!
Great video. Narcissists often proxy other people they know or belongings they have to show off and to distract/hook (niceness) you into these "transactions".
Your lessons on this subject are invaluable. I sure wish I would have met you and your lessons 35 years ago !

You really nailed this. Thank you so much. The video is very useful.

My 30 year relationship with my Ex-Narcissist friendship was based on me doing a lot physical work /stuff for him in exchange for having him as a friend. Getting older myself I do a lot of physical work and got to keep my body in good shape. I sometimes make up to $!000(about 10 times a year) in a day. Not unusual to make $300 a day. Then he somehow thinks I should do a $4000 job for free. Then on top his unreal 2 week time table.. Helped 2 days and helped $150( that I should have been grateful) . I filled 2/3s full a 40 yard dumpster by myself. Then at the same time I found out he got paid for me helping him do a "favor" for a friend of his.. He is blocked from my phone.. My son passed away Nov 12 this year and we had a private service. I invited his 2 brothers (which I am friends with in a normal relationship) and they came. Later he found out and did send his condolences to my wife's phone. I had her reply thank you.. A week later all been quiet and I'm glad. Was a little apprehensive about sending a reply afraid of opening that door again.. Thanks for being here.. Not only have you helped me but since I turned his daughter on to you she really is understanding her life much better.. Just Sayin

Finding this channel has changed my life…

Wow!!! Thanks Dr. Really hit home!

Not sure what I am. I really would like some input. I am thinking I might have some or this behavior. I am broken, afraid to be abandoned. I feel I have to defend myself. But I never want to hurt anyone at all. I want people to feel good about themselves. My father was a narc. Beat my mother and us kids. He was a very evil narc. I am damaged very much. I have lots of fear. I hope I'm no ot a narc myself. I have fight or flight reactions sometimes. I have lots of people love me though. I dont always handle things like I wish I could though. Or am I just healing! Or both can you be both.?

Dr. Carter out of all the speakers on you tube that is educating us about Narcissistic behaviors, you are the most informative. It's like you're describing my ex inside and out. You're always on point. 👍

I don't see any transaction. They feel entitled

Ex covert narc did MANY terrible things. Once my car broke down and was out for a couple of weeks… he dropped me off and picked me up from work (which he PASSED on his way to his own work. He demanded fuel money!!!! Stupid me paid up but thought it was very odd (I'd picked him up loads of times and he never even offered to help with fuel money, even though I had to travel 25 miles FURTHER. But supposed to be in a relationship, right?) So I was happy to do it. He left me with hardly enough to buy food after taking most of my salary for rent! I would buy 'my food' then he would EAT IT! He never stopped. He was making sure I couldn't afford to leave; but he didn't figure for a great friend of mine who helped me flit while he was at work (he didn't see it coming- at all! ) The smearing was relentless for YEARS and the stalking and burbling my next 3 addresses. I know it was him coz I had a diary "suddenly" disappear one time, a gold watch another and some other more minor stuff another. He was finding out landlords details then giving them the "woe is me, my ex did this, that, the other to me, stole all my stuff – didn't do that, I wanted NOTHING of his anywhere near me. In fact, I LEFT a load of stuff there wasn't room for in new place – and getting the spare key to get In whilst I was working! Leaving like I did was the best thing I ever did (20 years ago) and the stalking only stopped when a boyfriend of my friend (who narc was scared of) threatened to do things to him, I Shan't say what! The fear of that stopped the stalking from him & his flying monkeys, but not the smearing. I can live with that. I've a gut feeling that people have started to see him for what he is now though, as once he was all over the web (bragging but pretending to be humble) and now there's no trace of him anywhere for the past 13 years. He is such a weirdo that I was his first gf, and he couldn't get another. He ALWAYS used and will still be using dating sites – STAY AWAY from these, pleeeeaaaasseeee! If he ever met anyone, they never wanted to meet him again. I met him through rescuing animals and felt immediately he was "off." But allowed my brain to take over with "well, he rescues animals so he can't be a bad person!' Which of course was an act, I did the rescues, he always took the credit!!! I was extremely vulnerable at the time, having lost my husband and daughter in the space of 4 years, and was extremely distressed and depressed. I know better now though to ALWAYS trust my gut – ALWAYS! Sorry it's long but it might help someone here (I hope?) I know he's still watching from afar, so keep any info off the web (I'm a loner anyway) and if I DO put anything out there, it's under an alias! Have a narc free New Year, stay 💪 and away from oppressive narcs everyone ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I love the PUP on the chair!!!! Keep up the great vids.. You have helped me. Thank you..

When I stop giving admiration the discard for me was in motion didn't matter then who admired who I was good because I knew my admiration for them was flimsy🤔👍

Whilst this is very helpful one should be cautious to categorize people into psychological brackets. One may find "narcissistic characters" in people without them being really possessed by the spirit of narcissism. Man has a body, soul and spirit. The spirit man is the highest order and that is where healing can take place both for narcissists and others without such tendencies. Evil spirits can opress, depress and possess the spirit man. That's the root cause. No better "healer" and "helper" of our spirit man than Holy Spirit.

30 years being a transaction! Scary!

Goodness. Very informative and with excellent delivery. Heartfelt thanks 🙏

Spitting on your porch is actually nothing compared to what the narcissists in my life have done to me. Honestly, there could be a movie made that would astonish anyone about what I’ve been through. Thank God I have lost all memories of my life except for a rare flashback.🙏

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