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Narcissistic Family Structure: Psychology and Healing of the Lost Child



How a lost child experiences life and what you can do to start healing. Are you a lost child? Are you the parent of a lost child? If so, understanding the psychology of the toxic family structure is important, but understanding the lost child’s psychology is necessary if you’re ever going to heal (or help your child heal).

In this video, I’ll briefly discuss the lost child, how they differ from the scapegoat and golden children, and what their psychology looks like and then explain what is necessary to help the lost child heal after dealing with a narcissistic parent. Plus, I’ll explain how you can heal codependency after NPD parenting.

Whether you’re dealing with a narcissistic mother or a narcissistic father, being the lost child is no picnic.
Narcissistic Family Structure: Psychology and Healing of the Lost Child

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35 Comments

  • Wally

    Hi Angie, if i am not mistaken, I felt i am at least a partual lost child. Now, at this state, I just look at the painful feeling and lost about what i can do right now.

    I realized I have trouble with jobs and careers, I have no confident with priority about anything as well as can't face with mirco-managed. What can a man do in life if he can't handle priority?

  • Tamara Lynn

    Angie, after watching this video… I'm not so sure my husband was Narcissistic after all. He was raised by a possible Narc Mother. You mentioned games. He would spend hours upon hours playing them on the computer. Silent treatment was also a huge issue as well as communication. He is very intelligent, like you mentioned. Emotionally he was 12. He would never seen help for his abusive past. I had to save my sanity after 11 years & leave. Thanks for another great video ♡

  • Maile Dusnthinkso

    The way you present your knowledge, experience, and solutions really works for me. I love how you organize content, how you speak and gesture,, the pace, the words you choose, your tone, all visuals. You are a real gift in action. Thank you so much. I have studied for years and years, and have made great progress with recovery from CPTSD. Have known a few years now I'm Aspien, (wow, what a blessed relief it's been getting to know others online on the spectrum & researching the emerging understanding of this population and human condition). Yet I could not really see until about 18 months ago that the man I'd gotten entangled with more than a decade ago is of Narcissistic habit, and only now with your help can see that my home of origin was ruled by an unusual Narc and that I was a lost child. I've learned about this before but only the way you presented at this time broke through. Thank you.

  • Me Mi

    The relationship is true. My parents used to fight a lot. Mom narsistic dad abused alcohol.
    If I am in a relation (as in friendship) I become EXTREMELY frustrated if the person I am friends with has an other best friend besides me.
    That is why I am afraid of relationships (as in boyfriend/husband), because I know that I will become EXTRMELY obsessive with that person. I’d want that person to only love me and no one else, because I’d be afraid that that person would leave me and I want to get love and attention from someone the kind I never had from my parents (which is nearly imposible) and as we all know parents see their kids as the only thing in their life (normally) and always try to please them.

    I am really afraid to become a narsistic later too. That is why I never want children, because I am afraid to abuse them (because I am seeing that I treat begin to treat other people the same as my parents treat me. For example when someone is hurt I don’t know what to do, because my parents told me that I was overreacting (even if I fractured my wrist) so I really don’t know how to deal with that)

  • viclloyd1

    Lost child for sure. Also , l must be the scapegt too since there was just my brother,the golden ch, no other sibling s. I have so much going on in my head about my family dynamic and there is no one around me. I guess I will have to take your advice and get counseling, though I am in no position to pay for something like that.

  • Keith Penrod

    Girl you just put me on front street,,,I come from TX banditos,,my sister was the front runner,,,I was always the from 5 years old,,a prospect!! I'm sure I missed out,I was always her scapegoat,,and I took it like a man ,,even at 10 years old,,,by the way tanks you!!!

  • Deborah Boyce

    I finally figured out I was the lost child. My mom told people, I was born into the wrong family, I never felt normal, part of a group, no matter how much I wanted to connect and tell people I cared, I was terrified to do so. My relationships are disasterous, often left in ruins, and me so desperately wanting to be seen by my partner. Some way, I am going to find the strength inside me to create something wonderful. Social issues are so important to me, I want so much to make a difference. Thank you for this video, I am starting to understand, there are a lot of people like me and I do matter.

  • My Voice

    For a long time I was confused about my role because the lost child fits me mostly but the scapegoat does as well. This is the conclusion I've come to though. I was the lost child. I remember being a little girl playing alone and feeling ignored and like I didn't matter to my family like my siblings. My mother never talked to me about things like puberty yet my sister who's a few years younger got those talks. I would read, write and do art for fun. When I got a little older, maybe around 10, I started to become more vocal toward them which I feel is when I'd become a scapegoat. I would bottle so much up that when I finally let it out I would explode and tell my family exactly how I felt no matter what the consequences were. This, of course, was a problem. I was called crazy a lot, picked on for being different, weird, odd, too sensitive, too emotional. This just made me isolate myself more and the internet and internet friendships became an addiction for me. It's almost like to avoid being the scapegoat some of us become the lost child. Feeling invisible is really painful but being abused and ganged up on always felt worse to me… at least I could create my own inner world through art, story writing or reading a book. I became very shy, timid, a loner, socially anxious. I just never knew how to fit in. As an adult I'm still ignored a lot. I say I like it that way and that I hate attention but I think a part of it comes from never really getting it unless it's negative and just feeling safer being unseen. I learned some things from this video. Now I see why I can become dependent on the people who I do allow to get to close to me. I thought that I must have some personality disorder. Thank you for making this more clear!

  • Laurie Hannah

    I just woke up after 58 years of Narcissistic Abuse. I became Bulimic at age 11 years of age and anorexia through most of my life. I am an alcoholic/addict with 13 months clean. I am a perfectionist and an artist. I am a workaholic and over exerciser. I had a psychological mental break over a year ago. I am the lost child and youngest of three daughters. My oldest sister (Golden) and my middle sister (rebel) were I very instrumental in my mental fall. I also relapsed after 5.5 years of sobriety. May 19, 2017. I also became the scapegoat as I became an adult. I went from my mothe to two husbands..both narcisstic: the father of my daughters is pathological and my second husband is a covert. My oldest sister is horrible and my middle sister is the Bully. I do not want to be involved with any one. I have told both sisters to leave me alone and I have strategically set traps for my oldest sister with people we both know and these people are on my side and awaiting for her to lie because my dear sister feels threatens. I am disgusted with my middle sister. I have no desire to even be a mother. No one helped me when I became delusional nor has anyone called to see how I was doing. I get triggered easily and can go from feeling happy to angry simply by hearing a certain word. I know I must maintain a relationship with my oldest daughter because of my 12 year old grandson. Will I ever be able to trust my family? Being around the toxicity is very unsettling and while I know my mind is still trying to comprehend all of this, I feel as though I want to close the door on everyone. I suffer from C-PTSD and DID! I am starting therapy again. Should I go "no contact" with everyone for a while longer? How can I help my grandson when my daughter is so overtly narcisstic and her husband is an addict/codependent? Nothing….right?

  • Jordan Porche

    I am currently the lost child, I was the scapegoat when I lived with my parents because I had a “bad attitude” or “disrespectful” or “disobedient” or “rebel”. My narcissist father basically discarded me then I became the lost child.

  • Joel Sainte

    Never commented ever …on anything youtube…social anything… this was so spot on i felt like crying ….and i aint cry since nine yrs old…and this video showed me why …wow ouch!!..you are GOOD

  • Sarah D

    I didn't know their was a name for being the ignored, invisible child. I knew 2 of my sisters were scapegoats and one was the perfect golden child, but I was actually in a role while I was invisible? That's good to know.

  • Aude Deluz Ayliffe

    Hi Angie! Thank you I LOVE & VALUE your videos…just a quick comment on this video, if I may…I found the swiping effect a bit distracting and erratic… I just wanted to focus on watching you sharing your awesome and precious content. PS: I love your knowledge, approachable personality and humility! Yeah and I too love pink & glitter! 😉 Xxx

  • Angie W.

    Sometimes I feel pretty pathetic that my father can still make me like a loser & like i'm Drownding in a dark hole. Im an adult with a child of my own now. I recognize how narcissistic & toxic he was/is, but moving past it all is where I struggle. Any advice?

  • Ali O

    I was a combination of the scapegoat and the list child. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, where my dad was very controlling, violent but when my dad left my mum took over his role. She wasn’t violent but very controlling. My brothers were the golden boys. They could do no wrong. I very rarely got praise . I could do many things, paint, draw, sing, dance, act. I was also used as a scivv doing all the housework. I am now going through counselling, for this and under experiences I have had. Thank you for the videos, they have been very helpful.

  • Terra Jennings

    I didn’t realize my parents were narcissists… or rather they had narcissistic characteristics. I am a lost child who’s emotional needs were neglected. I don’t think my parents purposely did this however. I think they were unskilled and conditioned by unrealistic expectations of church ideals. Thanks for the video. 😊💕

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