narcissist videos

Narcissist Fleas

People often ask, “What if I’m the narcissist?” There are usually one of two things going on there: 1. The abuser often convinces you that you’re the problem and if you are highly self-conscious you might start to believe them. 2. The other factor is that we often pick up bad habits from the narcissist or other manipulator in our life. Those bad habits are called narcissist fleas. In this video I describe 5 common bad habits that you might have picked up from the narcissist and what you can do about it now.

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NOTE: Meredith Miller is not a therapist or counselor — She is a holistic integration coach, helping you to self-heal after abuse and transform your life. She works with a mind-body-spirit approach to wellness that is a valuable complement to traditional psychotherapy. She recommends that you also seek out a licensed therapist who has experience with narcissistic abuse and relational trauma in order to help you with the complex-PTSD symptoms. If you’re looking for a referral, you can use to get connected with a licensed, online therapist in your area. Thank you for taking responsibility for yourself!
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End Screen Credits:
Photography by Kelsey Smith Photography

Music: Vast Chant by Oshóva Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0 Music promoted by Audio Library



  • AlwaysStampinVideos

    TY TY TY!!! I could have used this video (well, actually nearly all of your videos) YEARS ago!!! Slowly but surely i have become more aware of my own personal narcissist behaviors (fleas.) I’d like to say i AM more aware… but having grown up with an overt parent and then marrying a covert… and not having a clue s to what was going on until after twenty seven years of marriage… i am accepting the fact that change (my own personal change, that is) doesn’t happen over night.

    So to encourage others… as i began to understand and label their narcissistic behaviors, i also began to see them in myself. Naming the behaviors really helped me (gaslighting, grooming, etc) to identify them in myself. The idea of anyone else feeling the way I feel when these things are done to me makes me want to vomit!

  • Elana Fariss

    Narcissist pest control, haha, I love it! I've been on a healing journey for about a year since my narc mother left town without a trace, the final discard, I guess. Now I have this voice inside me that's been coaching me, gently correcting me and explaining to me the reason why I felt I had to act this way, but that it's unnecessary. It's really cool.

  • Sabrina Marie Castro

    Hello Meredith! You enlightened me so well today. Hearing you comforted me with knowledge and truth. Knowing, seeing and understanding your passion in helping individuals like me who suffered so terribly from narcissistic abuse for decades makes me realize that there still good person out there in this world. It makes me cry with happiness that after all the extreme pain and darkness i experience in my life being and surrounded with narcissists for most of my life, I see now light and hope that goodness is real and can be found and i find it in you Meredith. My heartfelt thank you for bringing light into my life.

  • Neg in

    This was really helpful Meredith thank you so much! Oh I can catch myself displaying some of his traits at times and it makes me feel sick in my stomach…but I have been learning to be more aware, give myself more time and reflect on myself before wanting to respond. And btw, I remember you mentioned the series "Dirty John" in one of your videos and watching it helped me a lot with seeing my situation from an outsider's point of view and helped a lot with my recovery. Could you recommend more series or movies on this topic? Thank you so much for what you do. Lots of love <3

  • Dilara ÇINAREL

    1 – always wanting to be right 2 – acting like know-it-all 3 – having hard time admitting mistakes 4 – having poor communication skills 5 – having a short fuse yes, i see at what times ive got over these 🙂 but ive had issues at home still knowing narcissism now i got over that too 🙂 being in the theathre club at high school and at university student societies etc helped me overcome #4 🙂

  • Denise Eareckson

    I've received a lot of help from your videos, but I think you have made a bad call here re: American politics. I have found it impossible to be friends with Trump supporters, though I used to have many friends that were conservatives because I live in a rural area. For years, I thought they were "just people with different opinions" until 2016 when the masks came off. Your accusation that there is something wrong with me if I am unable to be "friends" with the flying monkeys of the narcissist-in-chief concerns me. Trying to warp myself into their world is soul-crushing, and I have to be alert for a personal attack just walking down the street or having a cup of coffee. I feel gaslighted when gleeful, whooping hate is accepted as "just another opinion.". I have had to go no contact. I am quite surprised that you have recommended otherwise.

  • Morgan O'Connor

    Thanks Meredith! I really liked this video. It was difficult at first to take responsibility because it was my lack of that seemed to work so well with the narcissist. It's very hard in America right now to understand and accept people with polar viewpoints, esp if they are not open to accepting you. I must admit, looking back on some of my relationships, particularly during high pressure abuse situations, I seemed to be critical of others to the point where I was offended by every disagreement. I think I will spend a lifetime trying to stand others who I feel just don't deserve it but I think that is just the surface emotion. At this point, I guess it's okay to just say I don't know

  • Lola

    Thank you 🙏 I need to learn to speak up, and communicate my opinion as much as I can, I do feel that I don’t have the words to express how I feel but also sometimes the other part is unwilling to hear. That is my grey today

  • haroldmoonwalker harold

    Good evening, Meredith. I have a concern and I don’t know if you provided an answer for this in your videos, but I feel like I have false memories about what really happened in my dysfunctional family. I’m not sure anymore if the abuse has been real, yet my feelings tell me otherwise. They tell me that I’m full of rage, depression, that I’m unhappy with how I’ve been treated by my family. This sense of uncertainty and maybe gaslighting appeared when I decided to confront my mother and tell her my feelings, my thoughts about her, my hatred towards her, the ways she hurt and abused me, how I saw the past of our family; I said those things, and she denied most of what I was saying, telling me I should see a shrink twice, saying that I’m living in the past, saying that she never said horrible things about my father to me in order to make me hate him, saying that she’s not the bad person i make her out to be. I hated that she invalidated what I said, and that she refused to answer questions about our family, but I also considered the possibility that maybe I have faulty memories about my family and the abuse I received. That maybe I haven’t considered that mom doesn’t remember what she’s done to me and she actually changed into a better person. The thing is, I’m confused. I’ll never get closure as to what really happened between my parents that caused the dysfunction in our family. But I realized that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I heal and live a healthy, happier life.

    Basically, my question is, what does it mean when I feel that my memories about my emotional abuse are false, but my feelings tell me that there has been abuse? Am I being toxic, and losing my sense of reality?

  • blueshoes915

    Thank you! Definitely have issues with most of these and I’m working on all of it. So crazy to finally see more clearly. It’s hard to fix these after decades of being like this. Sometimes I don’t even notice it. Ugh! It makes me angry that I’m like this and it’s embarrassing to know I didn’t see it until now.

    Also, kind of ridiculous that YouTube put an ad on after this video basically telling you how to manipulate someone into staying with you! They were way off base with this ad placement!

  • NKN112011

    I have appreciated your videos so much, but I respectfully disagree that during the Trump era, I have to associate myself with people who have different political views from me. For moral reasons, I cannot in good conscience support anyone who backs the Trump administration and the systematic removal of children from their parents and detainment of them in conditions far worse than what some prisoners of war receive. I know you didn't specifically name Trump, but at this particular time he's the source of much of the political divisiveness in the US, and there's a reason a number of people refuse to align themselves with his supporters. It's about taking a moral stand in the face of immigration policies that will cause multigenerational harm to people of indigenous descent and their families. Marriages have ended during the Trump administration and parents and children have cut off contact with each other as well. I don't believe narcissism is to blame for these relationships ending but the fact that many Americans view this administration as exceptionally harmful and supporters of it to be part of the problem. Moreover, the Trump supporters I know personally harbor racist and xenophobic views, and it is in no way beneficial for my mental health as a woman of color to expose myself to them.

  • cat

    This is causing extreme strain on our relationship.. I’m so ready to leave.. I don’t want to become like my boyfriend. He needs to change soon or I’m leaving soon… I need to save myself not him…

  • Cathy Ann

    ok, I have been doing a lot of work on myself, where do you draw the line? After going no contact for 2 years with my Narcissist older sister, my oldest sister will contact my daughter, and then my daughter will try and get me to do some social event with my sister, I do not want to hang out with my sister any more…my daughter then will get upset with me….so I am between a rock and a hard place….I can admit when I am wrong and I do not think I know it all (to be honest, I know very little) I am open to change and I accept my responsibility in all of this, should I break no contact for the sake of the family? I do know in my heart that after I went no contact with my oldest sister, I felt I had taken my power back and I felt peace in my soul, maybe for the first time in my life. Narcissistic abuse is very degrading and I really don't want to go back there, or is this just my pride and wanting to be right?

  • Paulina Irmina

    The Dr Ross whom you had an interview/video with had one video about two types of codependents. Described them as passive and aggressive where one of them appeared to have some traits that rubbed off the narcissist and therefore these codependents are often mistaken for a narcissist. Those perhaps are codependents people who constatnly question of they are narcissist but they aren’t but display some of the traits sometimes usually when feeling insecure.
    To some codependents disagreeing is a form and a phase of healing from over agreeableness and learning how to stand up for themselves. It can be common in young adults or teenagers but also adults and they might come as aggressive- and rebellious or stubborn and self righteous.
    How to see if someone is a narcissist then-
    They will simply lack on genuine remorse and guilt- they will lack on genuine empathy that you can’t fake.
    Someone can fake kindness and thoughtfulness but genuine empathy and true remorse and guilt is hard to fake.

    I think you and Dr Ross should do in depth follow-up DUO on the topic of recognizing codependent types , codependent types that carry rubbed off narcissistic traits and narcissists – how to differentiate them all- because – just because someone is self righteous or talking about themselves does not mean one has a narcissistic personality disorder.

    After ALL humans have some narcissistic traits. literally all.

    Thank you for this video!
    Love your channel!

  • Leah Boynton

    Number 4 is my flea problem. I still find myself being pleasing when I'm bothered by a situation or words spoken to me rather than speaking up or exiting the situation I fake being okay with it or remain in the situation. It's not being honest to myself or others. I have hurt a good person this way but mostly hurt myself. I need to remind myself that I have choices, I can change my mind, and I can be assertive. When I was married to my narcissist I felt like I had no choice to leave or defend myself, I would be terrorized if I changed my mind, and being assertive got me bullied or dismissed. I'm learning it takes tremendous work for me to work through the false guilt and to sit with the uncomfortable feelings that come up when I make a choice to speak up. My therapist said say to yourself this is false guilt and I'm not going to engage with the shame of it. Journal like crazy. Find a safe person to discuss these situations to help give you perspective.

  • Viviane Venancio

    Jee, I have the habit of knowing it all and having to be right! I can say I don't know, but I keep talking anyway like a maniac. Even I can understand why! I swallow a lot of things I don't like and used to give the silent treatment a lot (I'm stopping it). I'm less triggered now, but I was always afraid of being hurt by nasty comments, always hipervigilant. After I started dating my boyfriend, who also has the narcissist fleas, those characteristics have gotten even worse. Those behaviour make me feel so bad, like I'm possessed and not in control of my body and mind.

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