My romantic life is in shambles: Ask Ellie

My romantic life is in shambles: Ask Ellie

A: That guy is not for you.

But it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. Nor with him.

You’ve had a “crush” with the usual fantasies involved in liking someone based on very little real connection.

His phrase — “anything for you” — meant nothing more than a co-worker/boss saying he’ll get something done.

A workplace crush can be fun, but not when it drags on too long and especially not when you invest your self-confidence in it.

Your letter started with a proud assessment of yourself. That’s where your focus should now be, along with determination to put this tired crush behind you and move forward in your life.

You’ve allowed yourself to see this man as your personal failure, when nothing actually happened.

If you can’t get past this self-defeating attitude, see a therapist to find out the real origin of it (past experiences, negative childhood events?).

Once you finally shake your self-doubts, you’ll be free to give your all to a new relationship.

FEEDBACK Regarding the mother whose son’s girlfriend has estranged him from her (March 22):

Reader: “The girlfriend gives no specifics. The mother insists that it’s untrue. Yet she’s now alienated from her son. He also no longer has contact with his friends.

“I’ve seen three distinct cases of this myself. In each, the female involved has borderline personality disorder. They’re fearful of abandonment and create conflict to divide and conquer.

“One reference: ‘Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder’by Paul T. Mason.”

Reader #2: “What the mother describes is the way someone with malignant narcissism will gaslight people.

“The odds are enormous that the girlfriend has systematically cut off the man from his family and friends, to feed her own narcissism.

“My own son is currently the victim of a narcissist who, within a very short period of time, cut him off from all previous relationships — all family, friends, church and school contacts.

“Ironically, when the victim tries to break free, he or she is ‘punished’ by the abuser doubling down, so they’re more afraid to make contact.

“Unfortunately, there’s very little the mother can do but hope that the son seeks help and be there for him when he does.”

Ellie: I hope that these two different mental-health explanations may encourage people involved in similar circumstances to learn what’s motivating false accusations and painful estrangements

I do not, and should not, “diagnose” the cause. That’s the work of trained professional mental health specialists — psychiatrists, psychotherapists, etc. Seek their help.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Don’t let a go-nowhere “crush” limit your self-confidence for another real relationship.

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Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email:

Tired of Waiting

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: .

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