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Learn how to break enmeshment bonds with a narcissist. As long as you have em on a pedestal, they’re always gonna look down on you. Until they perceive there’s a real threat of losing you, you have no power in your dynamic whatsoever.

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6 Comments

  • Chook

    This is my life. I feel sad. Many things are dawning on me now. My father is a narcissist and my mother always swept the mess under the carpet. My poor brother is still paying the price by looking for approval from our father. I’ve moved into the shadows and play by the rules.

    There’s a lot to consider. I think I may be borderline disorderd/traits.

  • Sweet Pea

    My narcissist parent was my much older sister. She took complete control of the family when my father left; she was the reason for that. I have spent my whole life trying to measure up, even after her death. When I was very young, 3 or 4, I would wake up in the morning saying "I'm going to be perfect today". By the time I got downstairs, it was confirmed I was stupid, ugly, too sensitive etc etc…so the next day I would start all over again. I'm still doing it long after most of my family have died. Their death does not redeem me!!!!

  • LinYouToo

    Oh Shari I can’t thank you enough. I’ve been following you for a long time now. Your web site and YouTube videos helped me so much. You gave me the courage to stand up for myself. Although I had professional therapy the first time about eight years ago maybe nine now, I started again after taking a break. I asked my therapist about topics that you cover which she was able to help me understand in the context of my own family. I gained enough strength to be able to stand up to my narcissistic and somewhat borderline mother and set not only firm boundaries but to also draw a line in the sand. She did not take me seriously when I told her what I needed for a relationship to be healthy and grow or that I wouldn’t be able to continue it. Her provocations escalated but I held my ground. It took several months and then she finally took me seriously. I will never understand why I had to push back so hard including potentially ending our relationship all together in order to get her to see that I was a separate person. I was no longer an extension of her. She could not control me with her obligation and guilt. I’m not kidding myself thinking that I have a real motherly mother. She loves me when I mirror back to her the daughter she needs me to be especially when I am dutiful in her eyes. The reason why I wanted to comment in the first place is to let you know that my therapist helped me through the grieving process so I could grieve the loss of my childhood and innocence and the loss of the unconditional parental love that I will never have from either parent. It took a long time to except that through grief. Only then was I able to see how much other women in my life who are friends of mine and much older actually filled the void of a nurturing motherly figure for me. Once I stop looking for it from my own mother, those relationships blossomed. Same thing with my close female friends. Turns out several of my friendships have grown because we’ve experienced similar circumstances in our lives and we had no idea despite the fact we’ve known each other for several years. Isn’t that something? I am so grateful to have found you and I continue to learn so much from you. Wishing you blessings.

    Edit: where are you talk about the mother being there, just being there but not really being there emotionally, that’s exactly it. And she threw me in between her and my dad instead of protecting me from abuse. I even asked my mom when I was a young child, why don’t you talk to me? I felt like my mom checked out for several decades and just went through the motions. She had suffered from her own abandonment and her own childhood. It’s no wonder she needed me to be her mother even when I was a child.

  • LinYouToo

    In the scenario you described, with the abusive father and passive mother, does it affect sons differently than daughters? Do sons choose unavailable women? Are they more likely to become avoidant? I’ve met men in dating who seem to have serial relationships of a couple years that never go anywhere. Or they’re distancing when an “available “ woman is right in front of them. Thank you. I would love a part 2.

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