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DAY 27 DON'T LISTEN (30 DAYS OF NARCISSISM) – Dr. Ramani Durvasula


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    This segment really opened my eyes about how Narcissist devalue and discount what you say by basically ignoring you, and blaming it on ADD or ADHD. I appreciate these lessons so much, they are invaluable.

  • Nancy L

    My husband cuts me off and talks over the top of me most of the time. He is SO intolerant of my thoughts, feelings, and ideas that he won't even let me get the words out. Then later, he will insist I said something I never said, or twist my words into something completely different. When I ask him how he can interpret my words correctly when he literally doesn't let me finish a thought, he usually responds with profanity. So, yeah, no listening going on here. ☹

  • TheTwinkleGG

    Them recieving written communication does not mean that it has been read. They can open or recieve an email, letter, text, fax, smoked signal and still not read it. Or select a sentence or two and start a fight over the two sentences they glanced over.

  • Linda Dawn

    It's about time… Okay: here we go again with Dr. Ramani hitting nails right on the head again !!! This is a KEY feature that cannot be overemphasized; they DON'T LIKE TO LISTEN, and in no where is this exemplified quicker than in a conversation !!! While interacting with them, it feels like a (struggle) to contribute or to get your point across. That's their way of "staying on top" by controlling and dominating "the space" –other key features. It's as if listening makes them feel subordinate or humiliated, and their disdain is directly linked to their perceived devaluation of you as weak or inferior, powerless or beneath them in some way. And they'll openly compete for the "stage" when you try to get a word in by raising their voice, interrupting or cutting you off, over talking you, or laying low just long enough to hijack the conversation back onto their life.
    They may later ask you a question leaving you feeling like: "I just told you that"…

    I deeply appreciate the advice to write important stuff in emails; but a lot of times, these are the people who won't open a read receipt, and they'll even tell you that they don't like to leave messages on voicemails. That makes them feel "less than" and not important enough. Just listen to what they tell you. The writing is always on the wall ! And by the way, when they DO listen, it's not because they're interested in YOU… It's usually for some kind of (gain), and don't be surprised if your ideas expressed in the so-called conversation get plagiarized and passed off as "their own"…

  • Bright Side

    Yeah, they don't listen… August 6th of last year I was 2 hours away from home for a family member's court hearing and had asked the ex to feed my and his daughter's horses (they were still on his property at that time, per the divorce decree). There were 2 other days that week he had offered to do the chores.
    Well, I ended up having to drive home to feed horses at 2 am bc I couldn't get a hold of him.

    His excuse?! "Well, you threw a bunch of dates and stuff at me, I had no idea what you were talking about."
    Tell me, is this confusing??
    Aug 6- evening
    August 8, 9- morning and evening

  • J T

    DR. Ramani – I really like how you explain the step by step of a narcissistic personality. Too bad you weren't around in the 80's and 90's era. I meet a lot of these types in my younger years.

  • StephanieJ Bradley

    well, not only is the other person #ABSO irrelevant to the narcissist, the #NARC is also often too busy scheming -ish against others so are totally unavail. be it scheming to: cheat, sabotage, slander, develop another 'scene' of their 'show' to plant some bogus thought bridge in the mind of …whomever: fam mem, coworker, boss, doctor, therapist, neighhbor, school official, strangers happening by, etc.

  • Mildred Peroni

    Hi Dr. Rhamani , I just received a text message from my brother who I believe is a narcissist. I had him blocked for years on my phone, but then I lost all my contacts and he was able to get through. He told me he missed me and he texted me a picture of his new dog. The last time we spoke he told me I was a big loser, a bitch and to move my fucking ass to Argentina because I was thinking about moving. He told me he is asking for my forgiveness. He said we are family and it is what God wants. I said I am not religious. He said that’s OK I am just trying to be respectful as a brother and U deserve it. The problem with all of this is that I do not trust him and I do not believe him. What do you think he wants? He must be incredibly low on narcissistic supply

    Sorry a little bit off topic, but If anyone has any ideas I would appreciate it thank you

  • Jane Beatty

    OMG! This is my husband. I just thought he did this because he was thinking about his response before I was finished talking. I have literally banged my forehead against the wall on more than one occasion because nothing gets through.

  • Debra Anchante

    I love your 30 days of narcissism series.. my narc so far has every one except the one about needing people.. he seems to not care if he has friends or anyone in his life.. he is happy being alone. I believe he may be schizoid as well as narcissistic.. please keep going with this series.. a year of narcissism maybe?

  • Seven Samsara-Seven

    Brilliant 👌👊

    Thank you Dr Ramani.

    I was talking to a narcissist not too long ago, and yes, they absolutely can't hear you. It was a very very bizarre experience.

    I spoke to her a number of times, and each and every time, when I spoke, she would completely ignore everything I said.

    She would ask me a question and then disagree with my answer, and actually re illiterate what I'd said, back to me.

    My reply was, that's exactly what I said, you obviously aren't listening.

    I have an automatic call recorder on my phone, for work purposes, and believe me, listening back to these bizarre conversations gave me the shivers lol

    She would also lie and lie and lie about anything that would excuse her behavior, to make you feel sorry for her, ie, in relation to not listening, she would say that she wore hearing aids as a child, and had to literally learn how to speak later on … Which after some very light digging, I found was absolute bullshit.

    She also said that she'd been in the Royal Air force, a guns technician, another lie, they have an incredibly strict medical review, hearing issues, even if resolved, fixed, are failed!

    She said she had crohns disease too, and had to wear a colostomy bag since childhood, just endless 'feel sorry for me' nonsense. All lies.

    The military would have failed her application in medical grounds pretty much immediately.

    'I'm such a victim, please feel sorry for me' … I saw thru all of it,

    She did not expect me to be so thorough in the way that I get to know a person, people.

    She even said that she has a very rare form of blood cancer, leukemia, more lies …

    Just Wow. Lol

    She was constantly martyr ing herself.

    One of the other very disturbing things I found, was that when I visited her social media accounts, there was not a single picture of her actually smiling …hundreds of pictures, all with her ass sticking out, a very pretty girl, but just looking angry, …. In every single one, and completely alone.

    Absolutely bizarre.

    She said she preferred her solitude because 'people have an agenda' ?

    She, in my best estimation, according to what I've learned via Dr Ramani, here via her videos, she is an covert narcissist.

    I say that because, her social media is all about likes and that kind of attention, with 'ass' shots and grumpy face, also because she said to me in our first ever telephone conversation, her opening line 'I think you're worth me coming out of my solitude for' ???


    So her 'attention seeking' or need for validation are more covert, rather than being around people, she sort her attention covertly.

    I have to say, I have never been more disturbed by an individual ever before in my entire life. Actually disturbed.

    She also said she'd been bullied as a child, and that 10 grown men had beaten her up for absolutely no reason at all, the lies were absolutely endless and relentless.

    I only spoke to her for and a week, maybe a bit more, but my instinct from the get go, as, there is something very off about this person.

    Once she realised I was on to her, she very quickly accused me of being narcissistic, as tho she'd been accused herself many times, a self projection.,

    Dr Ramani, your talks here are very much needed by so many, and so very appreciated 😊

    Thank YOU 👊✊✔✔✔✔✔

  • Raymond Hill

    Yep! Got the book pre-ordered. Are the videos associated with "30 Days of Narcissism" going to be available on Youtube for some time? I've got a bad memory. So I need to review even though I do have one close that does remind me of some aspect or other of narcissism at times when I forget!

  • Susan

    Yup, my narc ex did not listen. I would insist he make eye contact with me and repeat back to me what I was asking. I kept it minimal and I didn't trust him with anything important.

  • Kindiah

    ❤️❤️❤️ Yes Dr. Ramani, my "friend" makes so much sense now! Thank you so much for this series it has been soooo helpful for me! I just wish it was around 2 years ago before my "friend" took advantage of me. I can her Judas now because that's who she is and how she treats people.

  • Ivanovska Meow

    Yes, I'm so glad this is discussed. It is so extremely energy draining, frustrating and crazy-making when you tell them information or make the mistake of mentioning personal plans – They'll expect not to have any responsibilities as if they were a dependant child, ask the details over and over and over days and weeks later like they have no capacity to retain details from the previous 14 explanations, or come out with the weirdest stuff as the information, or even want to discuss it repeatedly as if the discussion never took place (during which I have to repeat myself at least 3 times).

    I'd wonder whether one narc in particular has early onset of Alzheimers if they hadn't always been like that with the children or women in the family. I've had to ask them to repeat what I've said sentence by sentence and they still can't manage it. When I make a point of confronting them of their inattention they've used any excuse to make it my fault e.g. I'm boring, I talk too long, I have dysfunctional speech, I'm annoying, I have a speech impediment, I'm stupid – even when I was a child. Interestingly the same problem existed between their parents.

    Apparently a six word sentence is too much to listen to but they still expect to be able to talk and talk and talk at the very people they refuse to listen to. Grr.

  • Red Rum

    Thank you for explaining the many ways this topic comes across from home the workplace ect.. editing to say that I bought your book Dr. Ramany. I live in the Galapagos equivalent of Narcissists people (if you have followed Dr. Ramany you will know what I am talking about)

  • RavenStealstheNight

    Yes!!! Having narc parents profoundly damages one's sense of self. Where they should be teaching and advising a child's emotional/mental development and understanding of autonomy, these sick souls are brainwashing and implanting false beliefs and thoughts. It literally takes years of introspection and unravelling all of these damaging thoughts to even find the beginning of where you start and they end. And then they deny that they've even done this to you… crazy making for sure.

  • Nancy Suver

    Whenever I would try to talk to my narcissistic ex husband about anything that didn’t pertain to him getting a compliment he would start by rolling his eyes, heavy sighing, and go out of his way to show disinterest and invalidation by interrupting me , finishing my thoughts or statements, or talking to someone else. He would usually start walking away from me with me following behind him quickly trying to finish what I had to tell him. Or if I was on the phone with him first if all he would never answer my phone calls and on rare times that he answered he would first always remind me he had a meeting in two minutes or constantly tell me how much time to the second he was wasting talking to me. I am so disgusted in myself that I was that person that didn’t love herself enough to put up with his abuse

  • Marta Holgersson

    I told a friend once, that I thought the relationship was a bit one-sided and that I didn't feel we ever talked about me without him trying to quickly hand me simple solutions. He replied "But… I need you!"
    I since then have learned more about him and we are no longer in touch, but I often think of how sneaky this reply was. Because actually, it really meant "let's have it this way".

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