DAY 27 DON'T LISTEN (30 DAYS OF NARCISSISM) – Dr. Ramani Durvasula


Saturday, February 8, 2020 workshop (Santa Monica):

Saturday, May 30,2020 retreat (down Topanga Canyon):

These events are designed to help you do a deeper dive into your understanding and personal recovery from narcissistic abuse. The mental health profession has not identified this phenomenon yet which is separate from domestic violence and complex PTSD (though there may be significant overlap!). Many times people experiencing narcissistic abuse will have their concerns minimized, or even feel gaslighted by therapists and other healthcare providers. The tired recommendations of “communication,” “compromise,” and forgiveness do not apply in the world of narcissistic abuse, and this workshop is meant to take an honest look at narcissistic abuse and provide you with clarity and a plan to start your program of recovery.

For less than you would spend per hour for a consultation, you will get a program designed to address:
· Everything you want to know about narcissistic abuse
· Your specific vulnerabilities and suggestions on ways to protect yourself in the future
· Getting answers to your specific questions about narcissistic abuse answered
· Learn from other people’s experiences
· Personalized recovery toolkits

This is a different format than the usual seminar or Q and A session. This format is meant to foster sharing, discussion, openness. And remember – what happens in the retreat, stays in the retreat. The retreat is meant to foster an open and honest discussion in a safe space.

This retreat is designed for survivors from all types of narcissistic relationships:
· Partners/Spouses
· Parents
· Adult Children
· Colleagues/Bosses
· Friends

This retreat is NOT meant to be a substitute for clinical intervention including psychotherapy, it is meant to be educational and supportive. Referrals for therapists well-versed in narcissism will be available at the retreat.

LOCATION: The specific address will not be released until after tickets have been purchased. We are doing this, because tickets will not be for sale at the door.



If this is a clinical emergency please contact emergency services.


Send your comments, ideas, and/or questions to

Dr. Ramani’s Website:



“Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility

“Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Narcissistic Relationship”


Dr. Ramani’s Podcast:


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Comments (31)

…and there exist several studies that you can – learn – empathty (by: imagine you are that other person)

I’m willing to bet ADHD may be a common co-occurring disorder with narcissism.

My husband thinks he knows what I am thinking. I try to say something and he says I know and stops me from talking but continues with a story of his own. I am learning and trying not to engage. But I do get angry at times and bring it up when he stops me then he says ok. I am listening now. I guess childishly, I refuse to continue the conversation.

I have ADD and believe it was rooted in being raised in a unhealthy environment with a covert and non covert narcissist that included sexual abuse and neglect. I have seen narcissist in my blatantly not listen or care. My Add gets in the way of things I need to remember and I derive no benefit from it though, I think it is PTS because it gets worse under stress.

Sometimes my narcissistic father would listen to me , only to tell me I'm wrong and correct me by giving me another version of what I just said . So even if they do listen you'll be invalidated that works out well for the narcissist , because you won't be going to them with your problems . And to add too the madness , if they find out you didn't turn to them with your problem , you've got yourself to blame because they have all the answers for you .

It makes you feel that you have no value as a human being and is completely disrespectful.

My covert narc has a thing where she will pull me in for a conversation and be on her phone the whole time, barely paying attention to what I say or even what she says. She'll pause in the middle of a sentence and I'm sitting here waiting for the rest and if I prompt her she'll get mad. If I pull out my phone she'll get offended😣 and will want to stop talking….🙈🤦‍♀️

These jerks will diss your choices/opinions(e.g., pizza shop), but then will go out and buy from that shop and say it was great, even though last week they said it was bad when you mentioned that pizza. They are ask-holes. I can’t go no contact, so now I play dumb and say I don’t know 🤔 and stay quite. It’s a relation-shit!

Oh they seem to HEAR the irrelevant bs, but when there’s insight and intellect involved you’re SPINNING your wheels. They are totally vapid and a BORE to the bone.

I realize this is beyond your expertise, but I am wondering if you know anything about Asperger's or general people on the autism spectrum if they have difficulties with listening too? I know they do in understanding social cues. Curious if they can be narcissists and on the spectrum too.

I used to say I had accidentally married twins. One was sneaky, and would hear me say important things, but switch places and not tell the other twin. Maybe my ex is a narc.

Thank you for making these videos. You are saving lives.

'I have ADHD' is the new 'I have hypoglycemia'. SMH

Agreed! I have a narcissist co-worker. Texting and emailing is the only way I'll communicate with him.

The narcissist can recall minute details of their supply or even a strangers' story due to the fact those people are some sort of validating fan of theirs. When asked to recall something of their partner's history, friends, coworkers, family, or they struggle to remember. They definitely have amnesia when it comes to something hurtful, dismissive or mocking that they said.

It's a fine line between narcissism and any other imperfect disorder or actions people expect out of you i was just thinking! Funny how that is! You could probably find negative "traits" in everyone, even though narcissism is quite annoying, it all depends on how good of a nit picker you are! 😹☺️Many people will find faults in you no matter what you do so should we really care? 🤷🏼‍♀️😒🤔

Wow, the first 2 minutes are so perfect!

My narcissistic father used to interrupt me constantly and make the excuse that he didn't want to forget what he wanted to say. I used to quip, "Well, if your memory is that bad, tie a notepad and pen around your neck and write stuff down." Then later on, he switched excuses for interrupting me to the epitome of narcissism by saying, "I already know what you're going to say." How the hell do you respond to that kind of grandiosity and abuse other than No Contact?

I swear videos pop up in my suggested videos that are titled with issues I've just dealt with. Not similar issues I'm talking about issues that just happened. That I've shouted out loud at my narc. Just today I was blown away at how he can completely disregard points I just made that I asked point by point if he understood and asked for him to say it back to me at the time so I know he knew what I meant and when I made my point and paused waiting for a response he will get up to walk away and I say this is when you respond to the points I made and the question I asked. He then will say the exact same thing he had been saying to justify his actions. He had just heard me explain point by point why his perspective on things isnt accurate because he was omitting the points that dont fit his narrative and that are necessary to paint the whole picture.

He is dishonest with himself and he gets away with it because we dont have a third party to be a witness to these tactics and call him out. He will gaslight me and stonewall me and carry on about his day as if I hadnt ever voiced any issues to him. He will not reflect and come back later to give a response or validate or reject what I had said. He wont respond in the moment unless I ask him to respond and then he plays victim. He wont take time to think it through and write down his thoughts in order to send them to me later or to discuss them in person at a later time. He wont agree, acknowledge, validate or challenge me he also wont disagree reject or counter what I've said. He has no empathy, no pity, no respect, no conscience, no shame, no integrity and no desire to discuss anything. I dont know up from down. I spend my says ruminating and rereading texts from days ago, months ago, years ago to find my bearings. To tell myself I'm not going crazy that I'm not forgetting and that I'm not basing my case on what my mind chose to remember about certain events. I make sure to revisit all that was discussed via texts in order to have credble evidence and not just my version vs his version of the incident. I can compile screenshots of texts which completely ruin the case he made and he will say that it's his opinion and that texts from a year ago dont matter today. But when I wrote them a year ago, i didnt know the details that I know now and if I had I would have made different choices. I was not as informed as I am now and he says that I'm bringing up old shit and im so horrible to be around.

I'm gonna lose it. Im going to snap.

I thought she was listening , that was my mistake , no validation , bye bye

They'll only listen so they can get info and later use it against you

This is really interesting. i'm usually open to dating people with adhd. My narc got diagnosed with adhd ocd and tourettes. Couldn't remember a thing. But, it really pissed me off that i had to tell him that my father died three times. Argued for weeks that he did not watch a movie with him. We had old chat conversations about the movie… Be responsible, say you don't remember, don't be a jerk and insist something did not happen.

My narcissist gets extremely annoyed when I communicate electronically.

The person in my life ( temporarily) is my Sister enabled by her Daughter ( flying monkey ) .
Thought you might find this interesting.
Sisters way of soothing her inner conflict is to spend money.
We live separately in a fairly large house until recently we shared a kitchen.Her Daughter has another house on the same property.
So far Sister has bought a new chair lol looks like a throne .A new fridge,new very large TV, spent money renovating her end of her house,
Though we don't actually talk she informed me she is having the adjoining hallway blocked off and installing a sliding door into my bedroom for outside access so I have more privacy .
No matter her actions she can't get a response from me except to say thank you 😘
Of course I am planning to move on but money is tight for me so it will take a little time.
She's always been what I consider difficult,no amount of logic can penetrate her stubborn nature.
We are in our seventies and the Daughter in her fifties.
I wanted to share this to encourage all to move on from these unfortunate sick and twisted people before your my age.Blessings to you all inner peace is more valuable than any amount of money.
I have experienced this in my family for generations,there is no treatment except no contact.
In the words of Cocoa Channel " I don't care what they think about me " " I won't think about them at all"
Bless you all in your quest fo inner peace 💕💕😍

omg, dr R. this is amazing. I send my narc sister emails about important things so there will be in writing and she doesn't respond and then later when I ask her she says "I never got it, there must be something wrong with my email!" and of course she is lying and then you mention "read receipts"! never thought of that. amazing! you are explaining my life and how to deal. thank you!!!!

Mine refuses to believe that information can exist if it didn't originate from her brain. Hence, there are two type of information. One, that she already knows, and the other that has to be wrong. She will however look stuff up on the internet (where everything she reads is true). But that's okay because she made the choice to look it up. She will even interpret facts completely incorrectly if she wants the fact to be otherwise.

Years of counceling and not one person told me what was going on! I had no word for it, just complaints that he controlled every situation, didn't listen and would often stare into space when the kids or myself asked him either for permission for something, or if I wanted him to help me with something he didn't want to do. I thought I was too stupid to trust what I saw and heard. It took these YouTube videos to help me see what I was dealing with and what I should do. I am divorced 3 years after 28 years of marriage and am happy. I have to deal with him but he is much different! He apologizes when he breaks something instead of making it my fault for leaving it in his way. He still can be a jerk but I can walk away. I'm afraid to ever trust men again though. Maybe these videos will help. 🙂 thanks!

I learn a lot from these videos. Thank you.

So people who don’t take in anything you say even if it is important information, they are probably narcissists.?.

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